Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Paying Out The Bill

Paying Out The Bill

Friday 24 February, 2017
Luce counsels Malcolm that it’s time to forget the niceties and reveal to the world the awful truth of what he really thinks of Bill.
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Luce counsels Malcolm that it’s time to forget the niceties and reveal to the world the awful truth of what he really thinks of Bill.

 “You know Luce” confided Malcolm recently when we were having a night in at The Lodge “I don’t seem to be cutting through”

“The trouble is” I responded “you’re trying to please everyone from Abbott to Xenophon while Shorten is only trying to please the ACTU”

“And I can’t really give Bernardi the kick up the arse he so richly deserves” lamented Malcolm “because I’m so desperate to keep his vote”

“There’s nothing else for it dear” I declared “it’s time you gave Shorten a shellacking. I’m really ropable that the smarmy little so-and-so is going around calling you Mr Harbourside Mansion when his dearest wish is to move in next door”

“Please understand Luce dear” pleaded Malcolm “that Coalition strategy is for me to remain statesmanlike while leaving it to Barnaby to give him the occasional kick in the cobblers”

I sensed this was one of those moments when I had to step in and be really quite firm with Malcolm.

“Listen Mal” I said patiently “the mob out there are willing you to come out and give Shorten the cumuppance he so richly deserves. It’s simply not enough for a leader to be statesmanlike he has to be a bit of a mongrel as well”

“That’s an interesting theory” said Mal pensively “what sort of mongrel manifestations do you think I should start to demonstrate?”

“The next time Shorten refers to you in parliament as Mr Harbourside Mansion” I replied “you should bite him hard in the backside”

“You mean I should mount a strong ad hominem attack?” asked Malcolm

“Absolutely” I replied “rip into the conniving little con-artist. Call him for what he is, a parasite who lives off the public purse and only shouts a round at union meetings and a sycophant who chases billionaires. You’d better warn Trump about him”

“Why do you think it is” asked Malcolm “that he’s so keen to get his knees under the tables of so many billionaires in Melbourne?”

“So that after he scoops up the loose change that they’ve discarded under the tables” I replied “he can secrete it up a special pocket in his trousers”

“How soon should I activate this strategy?” asked Malcolm

“At the first available opportunity” I replied “because if he carries on being a parasite and a sycophant much longer there’s the awful possibility that he could amass enough loot to afford to move in next door”

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About this Series
An occasional series featuring the First Lady’s account of her contributions to her husband’s political career and the fate of the nation.

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