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Abbott into Abbattman

Policy Piking

Policy Piking

Friday 17 April, 2015
Abbatman goes on a mission to persuade Bill Shorthairs to announce a policy but finds he’s reluctant to expose himself to ridicule.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just practising his Mike Baird impersonation when the Abbattphone rang.

“Abbattoperations has just posted a fairly high priority mission” said Johnnie who was duty officer at Abbattapad HQ “Bill Shorthairs has blatantly stolen your opposition tactics and is using them unfairly against you. Your Abbattman mission is to draw his attention to the infringement of your no policy pain-in-the-arse opposition style copyright and force him to come up with an  opposition policy of his own”

Tony immediately appreciated the political nuances of this mission. Shorthairs was about as good at policy development as Clive was at Uniting the Palmer Party. So if he could be coerced into coming up with policies it would make him look like a second-hand car salesman selling fifth-hand cars.

After a series of in-depth analytical sessions with Abbattintelligence to try and understand Shorthairs’ psychological profile – not recommended for anyone under 18 – Tony pronounced himself mission ready.

He donned the Abbattgear, revved the  Abbattbike and the very second Johnnie completed mission countdown he was pedalling furiously down to Parliament House.

Shorthairs had not encountered Abbattman for some time and therefore haven’t got around to rendering his office Abbatt-proof. So it was a bit of a shock when the Abbattbike cleaved its way through his office door.

“I hope this isn’t going to take along Abbattman” said Shorthairs “because I’m very busy at the moment developing policies”

“Oh really” said Abbattman “it’s about time you concentrated on something you’re good at”

“2015 is my year of ideas” said Shorthairs “and I’m very confident they’ll morph into policies by 2016 or 2017”

“Listen Shorthairs” said Abbattman ‘it’s about time you stopped stealing Tony’s opposition tactics like being a pathological pain-in-the-arse and announced some policies”

“You must be joking” said Shorthairs “given that I can become PM merely by trashing Abbott’s pissant policies I’d be mad to come up with some of my own and give him the opportunity to point out what a pathetic policy piker I really am”

“If you don’t immediately announce a policy to introduce an ETS” said Abbattman “I shall reveal on my Facebook page that the last policy you came up with was in 2006 and it related to granting foreign aid to people smugglers”

“Oh come on” said Shorthairs “what about the one I came up with in 2010 which resulted in the stabbing of Kevin? Look if you’ll agree to go easy on my policy piking I’ll agree to announce an ETS to be launched at the same time as outer Mongolia launches theirs”

“Ok’ said Abbattman” but you’ve got to give Tony every opportunity to trash it mercilessly by inviting Al Gore over to endorse it”


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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