Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof. Penny Wise were summoned by Jacqui to an emergency Think Tank meeting at Glad’s Tea Rooms last week and were told catering arrangements were byo because it was Glad’s night off.

“The Jacqui Lambie Network faces a crisis of unparalleled proportions” announced Jacqui

“Don’t tell me we’re being sold off” said Nazel “to pay Clive’s debts”

“Even worse than that” cried Jacqui “Malcolm is proposing legislation which would make it impossible for inspirational independents like me to get elected to the Senate just because we don’t get enough votes”

“What an absolute crock” protested Randy “how on earth can he get away with anything as undemocratic as that?”

“He wants to abolish dirty deals on preferences” replied Jacqui

“Doesn’t he realise” demanded Nazel “that’s the only way for people with your unique idiosyncratic ideology to get elected to parliament?”

“He just sees me as a parliamentary pain-in-the-arse” replied Jacqui “The Jacqui Lambie Network could soon become nothing more than shredded documents in the Parliament House recycling centre”

“It’s all a terrible shock” said Penny “who’d have thought Malcolm could possibly think that getting rid of us would improve parliamentary democracy?”

“It’s all so unfair” lamented Jacqui “that after the unparalleled contribution I’ve made to the governance of Australia I get dumped just because I can’t get enough votes. What the hell am I going to do? I’m too old to go back into the military police or take up cage wrestling”

“There’s only one thing for it” said Penny “we’ve got to radically change our strategy to make it possible for you to get elected through attracting enough votes”

“It’s doubtful whether cosmetic and brain surgery are sufficiently advanced to meet a challenge like that” observed Randy

“Here’s my plan” said Penny “I believe you should start the Armed Forces Political Party and declare war on all the other parties”

“That sounds promising” said Jacqui “but why would it get me more votes?”

“Because you’d become a more extreme version of Trump” replied Penny

“Instead of insulting your opponents you’d threaten them with armed assault. The Party would espouse the most politically incorrect policies ever perpetrated so you’d get even more votes than Trump”

“Do you think I could even become Prime Minister?” asked Jacqui

“Possibly” replied Penny “it depends how many other politicians you’re prepared to shoot”

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