Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Politics Above .05

Politics Above .05

Friday 5 August, 2016
Fred Plodge, the doyen of public bar political commentators, discusses his research into why alcohol has such a beneficial effect on the political discourse.
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Public Bar Politics - a FridayMash satirical series

People often ask me why the quality of political debate is higher in public bars than anywhere else.

The answer is really quite simple. After a couple of beers people seem to become more incisive and lucid about politics and less inclined to be as dogmatic and dick-headed as politicians. It’s as though alcohol renders the mind impervious to talking points from political spin doctors.

As I observe politicians speaking in parliament or on the telly I can’t help thinking how much more compelling they could be if they’d downed a couple of cold ones beforehand.

I should like to make it absolutely clear that I’m not advocating that parliament should become a platform for piss-pots. Rather I believe that each politician should identify the level of alcoholic intake at which their political talent reaches maximum potential. Further I have recommended that breathalysers should be installed in parliament so politicians can check that they are at this critical level before entering the Senate or House of Reps.

I know this will shock some people but I don’t believe public bars would carry half as much prestige as centres of quality political debate if they served only non-alcoholic beverages. Regulars at my public bar know the standards expected of them in political debate and prepare accordingly. At other bars I’m appalled by people making strident political comments fuelled only by lolly water and shandies. Frankly they’re all piss and wind.

I encourage everyone to visit public bars and join in the political debate. Make sure you’re around .06-.07 when you arrive and a schooner every half hour or so should maintain your level of worthwhile contribution.

I strongly suggest you drop below .05 before driving home because unlike political discourse in public bars discussions with the police en route tend to turn out much more satisfactorily if you’re in a lower range.

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About this Series
Fred Plodge is widely acclaimed as Australia’s premier pub commentator on politics and international affairs. Pub patrons throughout Sydney look to Fred as their most unfailingly reliable source of current affairs commentary. Fred’s insight seems to reach full potential after around six schooners and this has led to a feeling amongst patrons that by comparison the commentary from most politicians falls a few schooners short.

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