Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Politics Under The Influence

Politics Under The Influence

Friday 8 July, 2016
Fred Plodge the doyen of public bar political commentators reflects on the election and assesses whether the result truly reflects the will of Australian drinkers.
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Public Bar Politics - a FridayMash satirical series

Throughout the election campaign I gained the distinct impression that no political party truly represents the interests of public bar drinkers.

The Labor Party strongly represents the interests of union members because there’s a general awareness that any MP who even dreams the Australian Building and Construction Commission might be a good idea would get ravaged and rolled by the faceless men at the next pre-selection. Labor are just as addicted to alcohol as the rest of us but we drink it and they tax it.

The Coalition represents the interests of pub and brewery owners yet has no policy to invest in research that guarantees Australian beer will lead the world in taste and health benefits and encourages the development of a type of alcohol that doesn’t register on breathalysers.

Public bar drinkers in Australia significantly outnumber union members yet there appears to be an appalling lack of concern amongst politicians that our numbers are dwindling and consequently there’s an alarming drop in beer sales.

The Australian Sex Party is apparently having marked success in increasing the incidence of sex so I’m more convinced than ever that an Australian Public Bar Drinkers Party could do the same for drinking.

The real point about public bars is that they not only facilitate drinking but are also an invaluable source of informed discussion about politics. Yet this is dismissed in some circles as merely the persiflage of the pissed and simply doesn’t get the sober consideration it deserves.

Politics should not only benefit from the deliberations of think tanks but drink tanks as well.

I have decided therefore that this unfair representational structure in Australian politics must be addressed. I am hereby announcing that the Australian Public Bar Drinkers Party will be launched before the next election.

It will start with the considerable advantage of having a licensed local branch structure right throughout the country.

I plan to go on a national tour pre-selecting parliamentary candidates through a series of politically orientated drinking competitions.

For far too long Australia has waited for our politicians to take a really sober look at what’s needed to get the joint jumping again. Well I’ve run out of patience and decided it’s time to give paralytic piss-artists a go.

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About this Series
Fred Plodge is widely acclaimed as Australia’s premier pub commentator on politics and international affairs. Pub patrons throughout Sydney look to Fred as their most unfailingly reliable source of current affairs commentary. Fred’s insight seems to reach full potential after around six schooners and this has led to a feeling amongst patrons that by comparison the commentary from most politicians falls a few schooners short.

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