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Buzz from Fly on the Wall

Pollies Bergere

Pollies Bergere

Friday 4 December, 2015
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Malcolm’s office when together with Julie and Greg Hunt they try to identify a carbon emissions reduction policy to present at the Paris Summit that hasn’t already been stuffed by Kevin, Julia or Tony. Here is Guy’s exclusive report of their discussion.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

“Good news Malcolm” said Greg “we’ll be able to report in Paris that Australia will easily beat its 5% emissions reduction target by 2020”

“The problem is” said Malcolm ‘that Direct Action was an initiative from Abbott the world’s number one climate sceptic so every other country is convinced it’s actually a scheme to increase carbon emissions. At this Summit there will be official recognition of Abbott’s status as the consummate climate copout as well as a report on the climate impact of terrorism”

“Why’s that?” asked Julie

“Because the terrorists caused a complete shutdown in Brussels for days” replied Malcolm “which produced a huge reduction in carbon emissions”

“There will be pressure on us” said Greg “to sign on to an ETS capable of reducing emissions by at least 45% by 2030”

“That’s Bill Shorten’s business contraction policy” said Malcolm “and it’s a worthy successor to Kevin’s aborted ETS and Julia’s over-cooked carbon tax”

“I see the Greens’ policy is a ninety percent reduction in emissions by 2030” said Julie

“Their problem is” said Malcolm “that piss and wind is yet to be proven as a source of renewable energy. We have to find a new emissions reduction strategy which we can sell to the public and which underlines my impeccable climate change credentials”

“I take it that rules out Pink Batts” observed Greg’’

“In an unprecedented initiative to address the greatest moral challenge of our time “said Malcolm “Kevin stuffed that as well. It’s my mission to ensure that Australia’s energy future is more renewable than screwable”

“I know” said Greg “why don’t relaunch Tim Flannery post-Paris to do such a massive climate change disaster scare campaign that the public would be ready to accept anything we propose”

“Interesting thought” said Malcolm “then we wouldn’t need to bother about an ETS or a carbon tax. The public would be so traumatised they’d be eternally grateful to us for switching exclusively to renewable energy sources and increasing the price of utilities by at least fifty percent”

“That would result of course in the economy shrinking by at least thirty percent” said Julie “but that’s the last thing they’ll be concerned about in Paris”

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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