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The Queen’s Christmas Message To Orstralia

The Queen’s Christmas Message To Orstralia

Friday 19 December, 2014
While I didn’t suffer another annus horribilis it was most unpleasant having to suffer a horrible anus like Salmond
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It’s some time since my husband and I visited your shores and I remember thinking at the time that I should have brought my cossie.

2014 could have been a quite awful year for the UK but fortunately that detestable man Salmond didn’t succeed in scavenging Scotland. It would have been an unthinkable outrage if Balmoral and Holyrood House had fallen into the hands of a foreign power. Where on earth would I have taken the family for Christmas?

While I didn’t suffer another annus horribilis it was most unpleasant having to suffer a horrible anus like Salmond.

My family have been very active this year although it is such a relief that my husband no longer has the energy to make embarrassing racist remarks.

I remain determined to stay on the throne as long as it takes Charles to demonstrate that he’s ready to take over, although latest projections suggest I’m unlikely to live that long.

Will and Kate are developing splendidly in their royal rock star roles and they were absolutely brilliant on their recent trip to the US. Hopefully this will boost the tourism trade sufficiently to ensure that when I ride round London in my carriage there will always be some yanks waving union jacks.

I was getting rather concerned about Harry after I saw him cavorting in the altogether. However I was assured he does it simply to help him get closer to ordinary people.

I was gratified to learn that British public opinion is turning against the EU. I wouldn’t be in the least bit concerned if we got out because I’m not particularly close to my relatives in Germany and my husband’s family in Greece keep writing to ask for money.

It’s so encouraging that recently there’s been so serious talk of moving to a republic in Orstralia even from fanatics like that terrible Turnbull person.

My husband and I would like to wish all Orstralians a Very Merry Christmas. You remain in our thoughts especially when we go looking for a decent drop in the wine cellars down under the palace.

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About this Series
Roger believes that it’s only when people start to see the funny side that they get a balanced perspective on politics. His unique style of irreverent humour reveals that politics is even funnier than people give it credit for. He is particularly pleased that his writing for Friday Mash has been selected for the Australian National Archive because this not only lends authenticity to the humour but it also marks quite an achievement for a Pom.

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