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Abbott into Abbattman

Queensland One Day, Cliveland the Next

Queensland One Day, Cliveland the Next

Friday 23 January, 2015
You will be enthralled by this gripping account of Abbattman’s mission to convince Clive that he shouldn’t become King of Queensland.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was about to leave on his annual holidays when the Abbattphone rang.

‘Emergency situation’ said Bronnie from Abbattapad HQ ‘Abbattoperations is alarmed by Clive’s bid to control Australia by gaining the balance of power in every state parliament as well as federal. Your top priority pre-holiday mission is to stuff Clive’s chances in the Queensland election so there’s no chance of him turning it into a Mineralogy minefield’

Tony immediately appreciated the extreme urgency of this mission because he knew Margie would kill him if it spoiled their holiday plans.

He knew instantly what had to be done and was all suited up in Abbattgear on a special Abbattflight to Sunshine Coast Airport before Bronnie could finish the mission countdown.

Immediately upon landing Abbattman surged out of the Abbattplane on the Abbattbike and pedalled furiously round to the Barmier Coolum Resort next door.

Clive was a trifle taken aback when the Abbattbike took his office door on a tour of his office.

‘Piss off Abbattman’ he roared ‘all our rooms are taken’

‘I have come’ announced Abbattman ‘to prevent you prostituting the Queensland Parliament by gaining the balance of power at the election

‘Queensland is mine’ said Clive ‘a coal mine. It is my destiny to rule Queensland and the world through acolytes like the Brick with Eyes, Bjelke-Tweetersen and Jacqui Mutton-dressed-as-Lambie

‘But Jacqui’s given you the bum’s rush’ said Abbattman

‘You shouldn’t believe what you read in The Australian’ said Clive ‘how on earth could she ever replace my sheer animal magnetism?’

‘She’s just bought herself a baby hippo’ replied Abbattman

‘The people of Queensland need me’ said Clive ‘to get rid of that pissant Looman. If it hadn’t been for him I’d have at least six oil rigs on the Barrier Reef’

‘Take heed’ said Abbattman menacingly ‘if you don’t abandon your perfidious pursuit of the parliamentary balance of power in Queensland a hideous fate will befall you’

‘You can’t mean’ cried Clive ‘I’ll be stuck in a lift with Bronnie?’

‘Worse than that’ said Abbattman ‘I’ll slip some super Jenny Craig slimming pills into your sweet and sour’

‘What the hell will they do?’ asked Clive

‘They’ll reduce you to a pathetic shadow of your former self’ replied Abbattman

‘Oh great’ said Clive ‘then I’ll be a star on the Biggest Loser’

Comments

About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

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