Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Raising The Bar Politically

Raising The Bar Politically

Friday 23 September, 2016
Fred Plodge, the doyen of public bar politicians, explains why the political party he plans to launch will produce the sort of Prime Ministers whom you wouldn’t mind shouting a drink.
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Public Bar Politics - a FridayMash satirical series

Look I know you could argue that one or two of our recent Prime Ministers weren’t as bad as the others but the reality is that Kevin, Julia, Tony and Malcolm have all rated four out of ten or less in official public bar polling.

Prime Minister of Australia is not a gig to be taken lightly because whatever you do is guaranteed to provoke howls of protest either from the ABC or Alan Jones. What recent incumbents have failed to realise however is that Prime Ministerial popularity simply depends on doing more of the popular things than the unpopular.

Kevin did popular things for about the first six months – although for the life of me I can’t recall what they were – but even they were not enough to absolve him from disasters like pink batts. Julia made an unbelievably destructive start by making a promise not to introduce a carbon tax and then breaking it by introducing the world’s biggest.

Tony kept most of his promises but that only served to enrage most people and when he didn’t keep his promise not to raise taxes it only enraged them more. The trouble with Malcolm is that he hasn’t even come close to fulfilling any of his promise.

What the hell were these guys thinking? If you want to hang on to the job and be remembered through time as a prince among PMs you simply have to ensure that most things you do have a positive impact on your polling.

When I lead the Public Bar Party to a crushing electoral win and move into the Lodge that is the one truth above all that I shall hold dear.

As my top priority I shall launch National Shout Day when my government will provide free drinks for all in every public bar in the nation.

I shall follow this up with Pub Sickie Day which will enable all employees to take an extra sickie day off so long as they spend it in a pub playing two-up, competing in binge drinking contests, taking part in Public Bar Party meetings and if they’re lucky chatting to the Prime Minister. I shall plan to visit at least fifty public bars across the nation on a massive Prime Ministerial pub crawl.

Having got the public onside with these long-overdue social reforms it will be an absolute doddle to pass measures to fix the economy and climate change not to mention the alarming decline in beer consumption.

My vision for Australia is a nation full of pubs full of drinkers who are absolutely full.

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About this Series
Fred Plodge is widely acclaimed as Australia’s premier pub commentator on politics and international affairs. Pub patrons throughout Sydney look to Fred as their most unfailingly reliable source of current affairs commentary. Fred’s insight seems to reach full potential after around six schooners and this has led to a feeling amongst patrons that by comparison the commentary from most politicians falls a few schooners short.

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