Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Raising the Bar

Raising the Bar

Friday 20 May, 2016
Fred Plodge, Australia’s leading public bar election expert, analyses two contenders for the PM’s job and wonders why the hell we can’t find anybody better
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Public Bar Politics - a FridayMash satirical series
You know when I look at Malcolm and Bill and then at my mates round the bar here I can’t help but wondering why we can’t find somebody better qualified for the PM’s job.

Do we really want an ex-union leader running the country? Bill is a man who has devoted his life to ensuring the AWU is as big a pain-in- the-arse to the rest of us as possible and if he became PM it would provide him with the opportunity to take this anal agony to an altogether new level.

You’d think Bill would be more interested in promoting unions that could have a truly beneficial impact on society like the Great Lovers Union and the Serious Drinkers Union.

What he needs to realise is that if he forgot all about facilitating the CFMEU’s bad behaviour on building sites and concentrated more on providing serious drinkers with top quality low-cost beer and great lovers with an abundant supply of enthusiastic partners he could become the world’s most popular Prime Minister in the world’s most contented country.

Malcolm was born to lead but possibly in a more dictatorial position than Australian Prime Minister. He gets disoriented when people believe their opinion is as relevant as his.

Malcolm would be much more at home in a position like head of the World Bank where he could cancel Greece’s overdraft or as the Pope where he could speak on behalf of God possibly even without consulting him.

Australia needs a Prime Minister committed to spending as much time in public bars as it takes to understand what’s really going down.

My mate Alf, who’s the resident political sage at a bar on the other side of town, would make a great Prime Minister. He’s the sort of bloke who’s a good listener because after twelve schooners he loses the power of speech. But between three and nine schooners his mind works in a dimension rarely encountered outside meetings of the Jacqui Lambie Network.

I am absolutely convinced that if I toured public bars throughout Australia I could come up with a candidate for PM that would make Malcolm and Bill look like a couple a couple of midi glasses that had just been drained.

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About this Series
Fred Plodge is widely acclaimed as Australia’s premier pub commentator on politics and international affairs. Pub patrons throughout Sydney look to Fred as their most unfailingly reliable source of current affairs commentary. Fred’s insight seems to reach full potential after around six schooners and this has led to a feeling amongst patrons that by comparison the commentary from most politicians falls a few schooners short.

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