Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Raising the Threat Level

Raising the Threat Level

Friday 16 October, 2015
Obama and Biden suddenly get the impression they’re being threatened. Kerryman can’t understand why it took them so long.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“Now look Joe” said Obama “you know me I’m much more a Nobel Peace Prize sort of a guy than an assailant but that pest Putin really provokes me into quite provocative thoughts”

“I know what you mean” said Biden “he’s like a cross between George W Bush and Darth Vader”

“First of all he goes and nicks Crimea” said Obama “and now he’s bombing the only friends we’ve got left in Syria”

“Well what do you expect” said Biden “from a guy who’s a friend of Assad and Edward Snowden. I wouldn’t put it past him to invade Ukraine’

“Listen Joe” said Obama “I know the Middle East can be confusing but you really need to keep up with what’s going on there to have any chance of becoming President”

“The main geo-political challenge we face” said Biden “is determining whether Assad, Putin or Trump poses the biggest strategic threat to America”

“You’re forgetting Fox News” said Obama

“Sorry” said Biden

“But you’re absolutely right Joe” said Obama “that is the most searching question facing my administration. We need the very best brains available to help us resolve it’

“The problem is” said Biden “the country’s very best brains are all engaged in trying to sell a bunch of absolute boofheads as the next President. We’ll just have to make do with Kerryman”

“Good morning Kerryman” said Obama when he fronted “you need a haircut”

“I know” said Kerryman “I’ve been so busy I haven’t had one since yesterday”

“Look here” said Obama “who do you think is the greatest threat to America, is it Assad, Putin, Trump or Fox News?”

“Mike Huckabee” replied Kerryman “because if he became President he’d appoint Fox News as his Press Secretary”

“What about Trump?” asked Obama

“He’s not a threat” replied Kerryman “because the country will soon realise it would be more beneficial to send him to Mexico than twelve million Mexicans”

“And Putin?” asked Obama

“He’ll become the new Al Gore” replied Kerryman “after the world recognises the decisive action he’s taken against global warming by starting a new cold war”

“What about Assad?” asked Obama

“You can forget him” replied Kerryman “once Trump, Putin and Fox News all decide it’s time to get on the road to Damascus he won’t have a hope in hell of converting any of them”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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