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Rebooting Anti-Terrorism Action

Rebooting Anti-Terrorism Action

Friday 27 November, 2015
Malcolm draws on his peerless Omniscience to counsel Obama and Putin that the effective way to defeat terrorism is to put your best foot forward up the appropriate orifice.
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Dial Triple O for Malcolm the Oracle

Obama and Putin took time out at the G20 meeting in Turkey for a private chat.

“Now Vlad” said Obama “when are you going to let us have Edward Snowden back?”

“Not until the KGB confirms he’s finally stopped leaking top secret stuff about you” replied Putin “and he’s trained somebody else to hack into your White House files”

“I’m sure you’ll find him satisfactory” said Obama

“Now it’s up to us to make sure Islamic State gets in a really bad state”

“And Assad gets in a really good state” said Putin

“Are you sure Assad’s worth putting boots on the ground for?” asked Obama

“Not at all” replied Putin “but I need a friend in the Middle East and I find it easier to chat to him than the Ayatollah”

“This is a very complex situation” said Obama “so we need the best available advice”

“Tell you what” said Putin “why don’t we dial Triple O for Malcolm the Oracle of Omniscience, he’ll know what to do”

By sheer coincidence Malcolm was at the G20 as well and responded to their call within ten minutes.

“Now look here Malcolm” said Obama “Vlad and I were just discussing how we can make a mess of IS”

“The trouble is” said Putin “it’s very difficult to achieve that without putting boots on the ground and neither of us want to stoop that low”

“Just a moment” said Malcolm ‘I have elevated my Omniscience to full activation and should have an answer for you in just a tick. Yes here it is”

“That’s faster than Trump” said Obama

“The answer is not ‘boots on the ground’” pronounced Malcolm thoughtfully “rather it is ‘boots up the arse’”

“You mean” said Putin “like the opposite of shirtfronting”

“Exactly” replied Malcolm “You must send troops into the Islamic State wearing specially designed arse-kicking boots. They would feature special toes shaped for maximum penetration”

“What exactly is the effect they would have?” asked Putin

“Any terrorist who gets booted up the arse with the special boots” said Malcolm “would suffer from a caliphate of constipation and totally crap out”

“Malcolm that’s incredible” said Obama “how can I possibly thank you?”

“Well” replied Malcolm “I’d really appreciate it if you could find Tony a job in the US”

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