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Buzz from Fly on the Wall

Rehabbing Bill

Rehabbing Bill

Friday 18 March, 2016
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Bill’s office when Albo came in to discuss plans to make him look more of a silk purse in preparation for the election. Here is Guy’s exclusive report of their deliberations.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

Bill” said Albo “I’ve been thinking. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to spend a month at a prime ministerial training college before the election”

“What on earth for?” demanded Bill “I’m election ready. Bring it on”

“It’s just that there’s a feeling out there” responded Albo “that you don’t come across as prime ministerially as Malcolm

“Well what do you expect?” asked Bill “He’s in the Lodge and I’m not”

“It goes further than that” explained Albo “he looks like he belongs there and you don’t”

“He might be more popular than me among the Eastern Suburbs cognoscenti” said Bill “but I’m preferred as prime minister by ninety-eight percent of the CFMEU and the other two percent didn’t get the how-to-vote card”

“Regrettably” commented Albo “support from even one hundred percent of CFMEU members wouldn’t be enough to guarantee you the prime ministership. You urgently need to broaden your appeal among people who think you’re an isolated case of union corruption”

“Ok” said Bill “so what should I do?”

“The real problem” explained Albo “is that you come across as a carping, cussing, crotchety old whiner who does a lot of complaining. The last thing people want is another opposition leader as prime minister like Abbott

“But I’ve got much more sex appeal than Abbott” said Bill

“So has a cross-eyed cannibal” said Albo “My recommendation is that you sit in a room for a week watching a continuous loop of Obama speeches”

“A fat lot of good that would do” said Bill “Americans are so pissed off with him they’re voting for Trump

“But you tend to mumble” said Albo “just imagine the effect if you acquired Obama’s oratorical skills. It would be like the Brick with Eyes suddenly becoming the Wall of China”

“Look I’m a sensational speaker at union meetings” asserted Bill “all I have to do is take out the bits about bosses being bastards and likening Work Choices to the US policy in Syria and I’d even have them cheering in Toorak”

“Sorry Bill” said Albo “you’re still way behind Malcolm in preferred prime minister polling and badly in need of a bit of polish”

“Well my mother-in-law used to be the Governor General” said Bill

“There’s nothing like a Dame” said Albo “to upset CFMEU members”

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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