Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Reign of Terror on ISIL and Ebola

Reign of Terror on ISIL and Ebola

Friday 31 October, 2014
Read the authentic account of how Kerryman conceived the ultimate terror tactics to protect the world against ISIL and Ebola.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

‘There’s a new poll just out’ said Biden ‘that shows 76% of Americans think you’re an absolute plonker on national security’

‘It’s amazing that only 24% appreciate my inspirational leadership’ said Obama

‘Actually’ said Biden ‘16% were ‘don’t knows’. The folks are crapping themselves about ISIL and Ebola particularly as they perceive there’s nothing to stop them coming in over the Southern Border’

‘It’s incredible’ said Obama ‘that people don’t realize I’ve got everything under control’

‘They simply don’t understand how to reconcile that claim’ said Biden ‘with supplying weapons to ISIL by mistake’

‘What sort of measures do they want?’ asked Obama

‘Ban all flights from West Africa’ replied Biden ‘and send in the marines to slice up ISIL’

‘Jeez’ said Obama ‘anyone would think we’re at war’

‘Well actually we are’ said Biden’ ISIL have vowed to come and takeover the White House’

‘That’s a worry’ said Obama ‘they could do more damage here than the Republicans. By the way what’s Kerryman doing about all this? After all it’s his job to stop these foreign influences becoming a nuisance. Let’s call him in and find out what the Playboy of the Western World has been up to’

Kerryman was in downtown Jakarta when he got the call from the White House. He had just attended the inauguration ceremony for the new Indonesian President and was thinking about doing something about his parting because a local barber had been unable to find it.

‘Now look here Kerryman’ said Obama when he finally arrived ‘I don’t know what the hell we’re paying you for. Here am I besieged by Ebola and the war on terror and I find you’re swanning around in Indonesia at some presidential piss-up or other’

‘Relax’ said Kerryman ‘everything’s under control’

‘How the hell am I supposed to believe that?’ asked Obama ‘when Ebola scares are a daily occurrence, ISIL are at the gates of Baghdad and the Redskins look like they’re desperately in need of RG IV or even V’

‘The President’s got a point’ said Biden

‘Here’s what I’ve put in place’ said Kerryman ‘I’ve assured ISIL that the Democrats are going to lose control of the Senate in November and you’ll become a totally lame-duck president’

‘How the hell’s that going to help?’ asked Obama

‘It will confuse them’ replied Kerryman ‘because they’d assumed you’re a lame-duck already. They’re now terrified that the Republicans will take over our anti-terrorism policy and do something really hostile. And I’ve told the West African countries that Hillary will be president in a couple of years’

‘How did they react to that?’ asked Obama

‘It made them much happier’ said Kerryman ‘because they realized they weren’t alone in facing a disastrous future’

‘What about the Redskins?’ asked Biden

‘They should change their name to Rawhides’ replied Kerryman


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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