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Retreat Going Forwards

Retreat Going Forwards

Friday 31 July, 2015
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in the Victoria Barracks meeting room when Tony opened the Leaders Retreat. Guy’s report on the dramatic discourse between leaders as it shaped the very future of this nation appears exclusively in Friday Mash.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

“Now look” said Tony “it must be clear even to independent Senators from Tasmania that we’ve got a budget problem. In the interests of bipartisanship

I’m not going to dwell on the effects of Wayne Swan’s crippling cock-ups but rather on how we can dissipate his debilitating deficits”

“Increase the Medicare levy by 2%” said Daniel Andrews “introduce a mining tax, a carbon tax, superannuation tax and an extra tax on big business in case they avoid the other one”

“That’s a rampant socialism” said Tony “I would remind you that we are here today to take a strictly bipartisan apolitical approach to fixing the Labor Party’s diabolical debts”

“I recommend increasing the GST rate to 15%” said Mike Baird

“But that’s regressive” said Anna Palaszczuk

“Well look” said Tony “Julia, Kevin and Wayne all claimed to be progressive and look where they got us”

“What are you doing to cut back on the waste in MP’s expenses?” asked Jay Wetherill

“I’ve just put Bronnie on probation” replied Tony “and that means if she takes off on another helicopter flight she’ll be chairing the next session of Parliament by video link from Silverwater Jail”

“We have to do something about soaring health costs” said Colin Barnett

“I know” said Tony “I still think co-payments are the best idea”

“That’s good to know” said Daniel “I was wondering where Labor’s next scare campaign would come from”

“I believe there is great revenue potential from allowing betting on federal politics” said Mike “like how many Labor MPs will Bronnie suspend, who will be the first to go and will Malcolm be allowed back on Q&A before Christmas”

“Only if he takes over as chairman” said Tony

“I’ve got it” said Anna “I believe we should open a new government-sponsored TV channel dedicated to Bingo which enables people to pay and play 24/7”

“That’s too regressive” said Jay “unless it’s possible for every working family to win”

“Come on you guys” said Tony “surely there’s a way of raising money we can all agree on”

“What about a toilet flushing tax?” asked Colin “We could install flushing meters and charge people per flush”

“That’s unfair on people who suffer chronic biliousness” replied Anna “and besides it could cause a constipation epidemic”

“How about we put a giant begging bowl outside each Parliament house with a picture of Wayne Swan on it?” asked Tony

“Why Wayne?” asked Mike

“Because people only contribute to disaster relief” replied Tony “once they understand how big the disaster really is”

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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