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Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Rubbing Greece into the Economy

Rubbing Greece into the Economy

Friday 3 July, 2015
Kerryman explains to Obama and Biden that the financial meltdown in Greece is way ahead of anything they’d ever contemplated.
The story starts here...

John Kerry funny cartoon from Friday Mash

“What’s all this I’m hearing about Greece?” asked Obama

“Oh you mean about them going bust” said Biden

“It wouldn’t affect us would it?” asked Obama

“You bet it would” replied Biden “by sending world financial markets into meltdown”

“But they’re just a piddly little place in the Middle East” said Obama

“I think you’ll find they’re more Middle West” replied Biden “but I’m absolutely sure they’re in the can with the International Monetary Fund for billions”

“Jeez” said Obama “that’s worse than us. What’s going to happen?”

“Well” replied Biden “either the IMF will loan Greece enough money to allow them to pay back to them what they already owe or they’ll keep hold of the money and save themselves the trouble of getting it back from Greece”

“So what’s the difference?” asked Obama

“The difference is” replied Biden “that if Greece doesn’t get the money to repay the loan they’re in default and would probably get kicked out of the EU and the Eurozone, all their debts would become bad, money markets would go berserk, US banks would suffer but on the bright side holidays in Greece would be cheap as chips and there would be more modern ruins to tour than ancient ones”

“This is serious” said Obama “what the hell is Kerryman doing about it?”

“Good question” said Biden “let’s get the slothful so-and-so in here for a chat”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was talking about talks between the Israelis and the Palestinians which usually turns out to be all talk.

He got a short back and sides on the flight home on the Hairoplane and came straight to the Oval Office on landing.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama “what are all these financial shenanigans in Greece?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea” said Kerryman ‘I’m the Secretary of State not Head of the Treasury”

“But what you think would happen if Greece gets shunted from the EU” asked Obama “could they get a bailout from Russia?”

“Russia’s almost as broke as they are” replied Kerryman “and it would be a bad look for an old commie like Putin to get into bed with the world’s oldest democracy”

“Give me some idea about how bad things are” said Obama “for example what’s a Grecian earn?”

“It’s quite a big pot” said Kerryman

“Oh that’s alright then” said Obama ‘but what would happen if the country switched to drachmas?”

“Well they’re a bit like food stamps” said Kerryman “so the economy would become much the same as ours”

“So what do you think we should do?” asked Obama

“I think we should learn from the experience” said Kerryman “so that when we finally go over the fiscal cliff we’ll know how to Greece our way down”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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