Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Russia Blood to the Head

Russia Blood to the Head

Friday 30 October, 2015
In his relentless quest for an idea Bill proposes an FTA with Russia but finds the only things the two countries are likely to trade are insults.
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Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

“I’ve just had a brilliant idea” said Bill

“Don’t tell me” said Tanya “you’re planning to announce that when you were

at the AWU you did a secret deal with Malcolm Turnbull to fund the office ute”

“No” replied Bill ‘but I’ll keep that in mind for next week. I believe we should aim for a Free Trade Agreement with the US”

“We’ve already got one” asserted Tanya

“Alright then” said Bill undeterred “how about Russia?”

“Why the hell would we want an FTA with them?” demanded Tanya “They haven’t got anything we’d want apart from vodka, Stalin souvenirs and Edward Snowden

“Russia is the birthplace of true socialism” replied Bill “so the ACTU wouldn’t have any objections to agreeing to an FTA with them. I know they’ve been waving the red flag at all the other FTAs but they’d sing it if we achieved one with Russia”

“It’s a dog of an idea Bill” said Tanya “An FTA with Russia would piss off the US, China and the EU and put us in the same international trading bloc as Syria”

“Should I agree to pass the FTA with China then?” asked Bill

“Failure to pass it” replied Tanya “would result in widespread demands that you undergo psychiatric treatment”

“But if I agree to pass it the ACTU would go ape-shit” said Bill “and according to the polls they’re the only support I’ve got left. Besides if I agreed to the China FTA it would be a huge victory for Malcolm”

“Don’t worry” said Tanya ‘I’m spending the Christmas break on a study tour of tax havens on the Cayman Islands with the exception of yours of course”

“I still think an FTA with Russia is an inspired idea” said Bill ‘because over there the government has the total support of the unions”

“That’s because in direct contrast to what happens here” said Tanya “Russian unions do what the government tells them”

“I’m absolutely convinced it’s my best idea of the year so far” said Bill

“I know” said Tanya “that’s the problem”

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About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

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