Abbott into Abbattman
Tony Abbott was just doing an audit of Bronnie’s travel expenses when the Abbattphone rang.
“Abbattoperations has just posted a mission carrying the maximum danger rating” said Johnnie from Mission Control “As a matter of utmost urgency the Coalition needs more women in Parliament so your mission is to seduce Wacky Lambie into becoming part of the quota. As she’s already in Parliament it would save us the trouble of forcing sclerotics in suits to pre-select a woman candidate”
Tony was momentarily stunned by the sheer audacity of this mission. He had some initial misgivings about whether Whacky could co-exist politically with Julie but these were readily overcome when he came up with an inspired idea to clinch the deal.
He slid easily into his Abbattpersona, revved the Abbattbike, did his own mission countdown and sped down to Parliament House.
Whacky wasn’t at all surprised when the Abbattbike crashed through her office door because Clive used to do it regularly when she was a PUP.
“Oh hi Abbattman” said Whacky “I’m so excited to see your Abbattpackage up close”
“I have come” announced Abbattman “to reveal something I have between my ears rather than between my legs”
“That’s a bummer” said Whacky
“I am here to make you an offer that will transcend your wildest dreams” said Abbattman
“That’s great” said Whacky “but I’m not available for a dirty weekend until next month”
“Even better than that” said Abbattman “I’m offering you the chance to join the Coalition”
“You what!” exclaimed Whacky “I don’t think I heard you correctly”
“I am empowered” said Abbattman “to offer you an immediate transfer to the Coalition benches in the Senate”
“I can’t believe this” exclaimed Whacky “you expect me to give up my position as Leader of The Whacky Lambie Network to go and toady up to that asinine arsehole Abbott as a member of his crapbag Coalition. In your dreams buster”
“But that’s not all dear Whacky” said Abbattman soothingly “I am further empowered to say that as a result of such a move you would become a member of the Coalition Cabinet as Minister for MPs’ Salaries and Bronnie’s Travel Expenses”
“I would only swap over” said Whacky “if I became Treasurer or Foreign Minister with a guarantee that I’m next in line for the Lodge”
“Sorry” said Abbattman “it would upset Malcolm too much if you pushed him down the pecking order”
“Then you can tell that arsehole Abbott that it’s no deal” said Whacky “unless I’m at least made Minister for Tassie with first dip at the GST”
“I’ll tell you what” said Abbattman “I reckon I might be able to get you lined up to succeed Bronnie as Speaker. I could get you a seat in the Lower House by Abbattering a sitting member from Tassie but you’d have to promise to suspend Bill Shorten at least twice a week”