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Abbott into Abbattman

Sending Abbott up the Poll

Sending Abbott up the Poll

Friday 9 January, 2015
This is a spellbinding account of Abbattman’s mission to convince the boss of Newspoll that not even left wing losers prefer Bill Shorthairs as PM.
The story starts here...

Abbattman personality on Friday Mash

Tony Abbott was just crossing David Johnston off next year’s Christmas card list when the Abbattphone rang.

‘Abbattoperations has just posted the highest priority mission since 2014’ said Johnnie who was duty officer at Abbattapad HQ over the New Year period. ‘Newspoll keeps producing risible research results showing Bill Shorthairs is preferred to you as PM. Your mission is to convince Martin O’Fantasy the CEO of Newspoll that not even mentally handicapped amoebas prefer Shorthairs’

Tony instantly grasped the strategic significance of the mission. If Newspoll told the public often enough that Shorthairs was their preferred PM they might even start to believe it.

Then not unexpectedly he had a brilliant idea. He could turn the tables on Newspoll by doing a research study into them.

The study results proved to be so conclusive that no finessing was necessary. He picked up the Abbattbike from the Abbattservice centre, donned the Abbattear, collected a packed lunch from the Abbattcanteen and launched the Abbattbike on the road to Sydney at the very moment Johnnie completed the HQ mission countdown.

The receptionist on the fifth floor of Newspoll’s office was taken aback somewhat to see the Abbattbike speed past and demolish O’Fantasy’s office door.

‘Abbattman’ cried O’Fantasy ‘if I’d known you were coming I’d have left my office door open’

‘Now look here O’Fantasy’ said Abbattman ‘I’m here to admonish you for publishing palpably piss weak poll numbers for Tony’

‘They’re absolutely ridgy-didge’ said O’Fantasy ‘folks in South Australia, Victoria and Tasmania think he’s an absolute plonker’

‘But he’s kept his promises to stop the boats and terminate the taxes’ protested Abbattman

‘I know’ said O’Fantasy ‘but if he cuts entitlements it could wipe out the entire economy of Tasmania’

‘Listen carefully O’Fantasy’ said Abbattman ‘I’ve just carried out a major research study into Newspoll and it shows that 50% believe the results you publish are provided by the Labor Party and 50% believe you’re owned by the ABC’

‘Did you include any Labor Party members in your research panel?’ asked O’Fantasy

‘Of course not’ replied Abbattman ‘you can’t trust anything they say. Ok here’s the deal I won’t publish the results of my research if you promise to base your next preferred prime minister research on the question ‘Who do you prefer as PM, Honest Tony or that dissembling carbon taxing douchebag Shorten?’

‘The trouble is’ said O’Fantasy ‘based on current trends I still don’t think Tony would come out ahead’


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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