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Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

The Snowden Job

The Snowden Job

Friday 6 March, 2015
This is a truly inspiring account of how Kerryman came up with an ingenious strategy for revealing the real Putin to the world without perpetrating any indecent exposure.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“What the hell is going on Ukraine?” asked Obama

“Stuffed if I know” replied Biden “everybody agreed to a ceasefire but nobody believes it applies to them”

“Can we trust Putin?” asked Obama

“Of course not” replied Biden “I wouldn’t trust him any further than the end of my prospects of beating Hillary for the nomination. The guy’s about as trustworthy as Edward Snowden heading up security for a CIA mission in Moscow”

“Well what are we going to do about the shit- kicking shyster?” asked Obama “he’s making us look like a couple of handbags playing defensive ends for the Redskins”

“Well we could restart the Cold War” suggested Biden “and slap so many sanctions on Russia they’d have an economy almost as bad as Detroit”

“That’s no good” said Obama “it would only result in the communists taking over like they’ve done in Greece. Putin’s got to be pixilated before he takes over Eastern Ukraine and the North, South and West of the joint as well”

“I wonder what the hell Kerryman’s doing about all this” said Biden

“Good thought Joe” said Obama “I’ll bet the dissembling douchebag is debauching himself at some depraved diplomatic do somewhere. Let’s get the feral fop in year for a serious bollocking”

When he was contacted by the White House Kerryman was pulling out his hair in desperation at a conference in Geneva because he couldn’t find time to go to the barber.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama to the hairy monster who had just arrived before him “what the hell is going on Ukraine? One minute I hear there’s a ceasefire and the next Eastern Ukraine resembles West Central Chicago after the bars have shut”

“The problem is” said Kerryman “the rebels in Eastern Ukraine think it’s a shame to waste all the weapons Putin keeps sending them but all is not lost because I’ve got a brilliant plan”

“Well what the hell is it?” demanded Obama

“I’m about to activate our master sleeper-agent under deep cover in Russia” replied Kerryman

“Jeez” said Obama “nobody told me”

“I know” said Kerryman “that’s because most people at CIA still think you’re a communist. Our master sleeper-agent there is none other than Edward Snowden”

“What” cried Obama “you mean to tell me he’s not really a treasonous little turd after all, how disappointing”

“He’s about to start leaking cyclones of stuff about what a Machiavellian monster Putin really is” said Kerryman

“But won’t he be in grave danger of being knocked off in Moscow?” asked Obama

“Not at all” replied Kerryman “for the past two weeks he’s been incognito at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London where all the top leakers end up”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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