Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Sort-of Support for Malcolm

Sort-of Support for Malcolm

Friday 13 May, 2016
In his secret hideout beneath North Head at Manly Abbott plots his next moves against Malcolm in concert with his faithful followers Andrews and Abetz.
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Abbott the Avenger on FridayMash

“I was very pissed-off” asserted Abetz “that Malcolm didn’t chuck you a knighthood before he abolished them”

“I’m not holding my breath for a Hero of the Republic Award either” said Abbott “after he becomes President”

“What did you think of the budget?” asked Andrews

“Well as it was mainly a compilation of my old policies” commented Abbott “I was disappointed it didn’t contain an item specifying my royalty payments”

“I see you claimed last week” said Abetz “you had accepted you would never be PM again”

“I was following the model pioneered by Kevin” responded Abbott “After his stabbing he was so adamant that he wasn’t interested in becoming PM again that Julia was lulled into believing she was safe no matter how many times she stuffed up”

“Who will you be supporting in the election?” asked Andrews

“After much thought” said Abbott pensively “I’ve decided to throw my support behind the Coalition”

“But what about the devilishly cunning strategy” asked Andrews “that we formulated at the annual Budgie Smuggling Beach Carnival”

“There were so many” said Abbott

“You know” insisted Andrews “the one where we would clandestinely support Labor in the election, ensure that the Coalition are elected to opposition and campaign for your return to the leadership as our greatest ever opposition leader”

“Look” said Abbott “I’ve had a bit of a change of mind about that. If I became opposition leader I could never be as good as last time but if I became PM it would be a doddle to be better than I was last time”

“So what’s our plan for the election? asked Abetz

“Bill Shorten would be an absolute douchebag as PM” said Abbott “We owe it to our great budgie-smuggling heritage from Bronnie to Bob Menzies to prevent the country being run like a union with the ACTU and the ABC as chief policy advisors”

“And the CFMEU running Royal Commissions” commented Abetz

“So we’ll campaign against Shorten” said Abbott “without supporting Malcolm except when we’re on Q&A and the Insiders”

“What’s the new projected timing for your comeback?” asked Andrews

“I’m thinking 2018/19” replied Abbott “because I’ve got to get in before Peta and she’s timing her PM bid for 2020”

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About this Series
Abbott is on the outer studying the Gospel according to Kevin on how to wreak vengeance upon a Prime Minister who has spilt you to the backbench. He lurks in the shadows with his disciples desperately trying to figure out how to seize back The Lodge despite the having a preferred Prime Minister ranking slightly below that of a CFMEU activist.

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