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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

Spilling The Beans

Spilling The Beans

Friday 27 March, 2015
In this series of quite mesmerising leaks from his Journal Tony ponders prime ministerial greatness and how this equates with the prospect of being spilled.
The story starts here...

Leaks from Tonys Journal
Nobody disputes the fact I was Australia’s greatest-ever opposition leader but I realise I’ve still got a bit of work to do to claim my ultimate destiny as the greatest-ever prime minister.

It’s just a question of convincing the Senate, 70% of the public, Fairfax Media, Jacqui Lambie, the ABC and Malcolm. No-one gives a rats-arse about what Paul Keating, Bill Shorten and Julia think.

I sat down with Peta last week to review how my bid to become the greatest was going. She’s made it clear that if I fall short she’ll step in and have a go at seizing the title for herself.

“Look” she said “it’s going to be extremely difficult to become Australia’s greatest-ever if you’re continually being threatened with spill motions and get booted out before you’ve done two years”

She had a point of course but history shows that greatness takes a bit of time to reveal itself. Churchill was all over the place before World War II and Maggie needed the intervention of the miners’ strike and the Argies in the Falklands. All I need is the challenge of an armada of people smuggling boats threatening to invade Australia but there are no signs yet of Sarah Hanson Young starting to organise one.

“There are two critical events coming up” continued Peta “if Mike Baird loses the NSW election you will be spilt faster than a schooner in the hands of a drunk with DTs and if the second budget turns out to be as big a plonker as the first your arse will be grass and no one will be willing to preserve it as a World Heritage area”

“So that’s simple” I said “all I’ve got to do is get on the NSW hustings with Mike to ensure victory and sit down with Joe to make sure his numbers add up”

“On the contrary” said Peta “you’ve got to stay as far away for NSW as possible until after the election and bring in a budget-savvy bean-counter like Malcolm to make sure Joe doesn’t stuff up again”

“How the hell is all that going to help me realise my true destiny of greatness?” I asked

“It wins you a few more months in the job” replied Peta “and hopefully gives Sarah Hanson Young and the people smugglers time to get an armada together”

I have to accept that greatness comes in many different ways. Some are born with it, others achieve it and it seems the truly great people like Admiral Lord Nelson and me have to wait for someone from Spain or the Greens to organise an armada.

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About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

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