Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

State of the Union with Muslims

State of the Union with Muslims

Friday 22 January, 2016
Kerryman demonstrates to Obama that when it comes to understanding Muslim issues clarity begins abroad.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“Now look here Joe” said Obama “I’m in the final stages of preparing my State of the Union Address and I still don’t know what the hell I’m going to say about the Middle East”

“Well you could mention how pleasant it is there for a Winter Break” said

Biden “but their reaction to the Paris Climate Summit has been rather disappointing”

“I’m thinking especially about Iraq, Syria and Israel” said Obama

“And don’t forget North Korea” said Biden

“What’s more” said Obama “I haven’t got the slightest idea whether Saudi Arabia is on our side or not”

“I don’t think they have either” said Biden

“The nuclear deal with Iran” said Obama “was of course one of my truly historic Presidential achievements”

“We should immediately start working on one with the Islamic State” said Biden

“I suppose I could claim in my address” said Obama “that we’ve restarted the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks”

“But you did that in the last State of the Union Address” said Biden “and the one before. Tell you what, you should consult with Kerryman about what to say. After all he is one of the main causes of unrest in the Middle East”

“Well” said Obama “I suppose it’s always a good idea to go direct to the root cause of a problem”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was seeing the whole Middle East situation with rare clarity because he’d just had a three-hour haircut in Cairo.

“Now look Kerryman this is serious” said Obama when his Secretary of State arrived in the Oval Office “I need advice from you on what to say in my State of the Union Address about everything going South in the Middle East”

“If I were you” said Kerryman “I’d leave the Middle East in the State of the Union bullpen for a year and leave it to Hillary to step up to the plate next year”

“That’s an intriguing thought” said Obama “what exactly is your strategic thinking behind it?”

“It’s the ISIS problem” replied Kerryman “here you are on the one hand saying that we mustn’t be hostile to Muslims while on the other there’s ISIS threatening us with one outrage after another and they’re one hundred percent Muslim”

“That’s a surprisingly good analysis coming from you” said Obama “how on earth do I resolve that dilemma?”

“Well I’m developing a clandestine plan” replied Kerryman “to recruit some non-Muslims into ISIS so you can feel better about being hostile to them”

“There’s no question” said Obama “that it would make things easier for me if ISIS became multicultural”

“Will you announce this breakthrough policy in your State of the Union address?” asked Kerryman

“I think” replied Obama “I’ll wait to see whether a multicultural policy within ISIS is even less effective than it is here”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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