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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

This is Still Your Captain Speaking

This is Still Your Captain Speaking

Friday 13 February, 2015
In the latest leaks from his Journal Tony reflects on how unfairly he’s being treated by everyone he’s treating unfairly.
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Leaks from Tonys Journal

I find it absolutely incomprehensible that anyone, let alone thirty-nine members of my own government, would want to dump a Rhodes Scholar, RFS volunteer, surf-lifesaver, Julia slayer, family guy with three daughters and boxing champion out of the Lodge.

That’s such an incredible improvement on the prissy prevaricating prat from Queensland and the ranga partner of that guy who gets in everyone’s hair.

And with whom did the Coalition think they could replace me? The Inconvenient Truth about Malcolm is that he aspires to be the next Al Gore.

Julie’s done a great job as Foreign Minister but she’s been number two for so long that if she became PM she’d be lost without me.

I’ve been doing an absolutely incredible job leading the country out of the chaos and uncertainty created by Kevin and Julia through brilliant initiatives like knighting Prince Philip. This is designed to lead to a free trade agreement with Buckingham Palace ensuring I get a gratuitous gong or two in return.

Why on earth would members of the Coalition even fantasise about dumping me when the alternatives are the return of Goodwin Grech’s godfather or a return to union style slush fund economic management under Bill Shorten?

The only career ex-union leaders are qualified for is consultancy on corporate downsizing.

I’m being blamed for the budget balls-up, what a joke! There wouldn’t be any mess if the Clive, Jacqui and all the rest of them hadn’t treated the budget legislation like a plan to decrease MPs’ pay.

And fancy blaming me for the defeats of Dennis Napthine and Campbell Newman. If I lose the next election I won’t be blaming Mike Baird.

There’s been incredible excitement at the ABC at the prospect of me being shafted. I hear that they haven’t cancelled their celebration party, merely postponed it.

Out of loyalty I’m resolved to keep Joe at the Treasury although if he stuffs another budget we’re both gone. On second thoughts maybe I should send him to Small Business before that’s where big business ends up.

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About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

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