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Abbott into Abbattman

Stopping it all Hanging Out at the G20

Stopping it all Hanging Out at the G20

Friday 21 November, 2014
Read how Abbattman undertakes a cover-up mission to stop Jacqui Mutton-dressed-as-Lambie doing a striptease at the G20.
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Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Abbott into Abbattman

Tony Abbott was just packing his bags for the G20 when the Abbattphone rang.

‘Abbattoperations has just posted a top priority emergency mission’ said Johnnie who was duty officer at Abbattapad HQ. ‘Jacqui Mutton-dressed-as-Lambie is threatening to do a striptease at the G20 in protest against the miserly increase in pay for the armed forces. Your mission is to stop her before she gets over exposed to foreign interests’

Tony instantly recognised the inherent dangers in this threat. It could cause serious disruption to the G20 even at a bare minimum.

He immediately activated emergency Abbatt procedures and was mission ready in less time than it takes Bronnie to have a blow-wave. Following an expedited mission countdown which started at 6 instead of 10 Tony’s Abbatt altered ego pedalled the Abbattbike at top speed to Parliament House then straight through the security barrier and Jacqui’s office door.

‘Abbattman’ cried Jacqui ‘great to see you. Would you like to go somewhere less political where we can discuss your package of proposals?’

‘I have come’ announced Abbattman ‘to persuade you not to do a full frontal at the G20’

‘Why not’ asked Jacqui ‘it will enable one of the world’s leading bodies to appreciate another’

‘Look Jacqui’ said Abbattman ‘the G20 leaders are coming to Brisbane to make decisions that could fundamentally change global economic prospects and they mustn’t be distracted by knockers especially yours’

‘But I’ll be protesting’ said Jacqui ‘against the miserable increase Abbott has granted to our armed forces. My debriefing at the G20 could make him realise how he could make ends meet’

‘That’s all very well’ said Abbattman ‘but where’s he going to find the money?’

‘I’m going to pass the hat round’ replied Jacqui ‘After the last strip I did they paid me a fortune to put my gear back on’

‘If you go ahead with this provocative plan’ said Abbattman ‘I’d be forced to subject you to a hideous form of naked abuse’

‘Don’t tell me’ said Jacqui ‘you’d make me to do striptease with Clive’

‘No worse than that’ said Abbattman ‘I’d text a provocative picture of you to the Wallabies warning them what to expect if they lose’

‘That’s ridiculous’ said Jacqui ‘they should get me if they win because I’ve got a body shaped like the Bledisloe Cup’

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About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

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