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Dirty Deeds of
Jacqui and Clive

The Taming of the Milne Shrew

The Taming of the Milne Shrew

Friday 14 November, 2014
Read how Jacqui and Clive go on a rampaging raid to stop Christine Milne renewably rubbishing Clive’s climate change credentials.
The story starts here...


‘That Christine Milne’s a bogan’ said Jacqui ‘she called you a ‘coalminer’ and a ‘polluter’’

‘Well at least she didn’t call me ‘antsy pantsy’’ said Clive ‘The woman’s an absolutely goose. Here I am leading the export drive to build Australia’s economy and all she does is sit on her grotty green arse and slag me off’

‘You’d think she’d be ecstatic about your role in Direct Action’ said Jacqui

‘The only thing that would please that old crone’ said Clive ‘is pricing electricity in Australia so high that everyone would become infected by the hypothermia virus and they’d have to send teams here from West Africa to stop it spreading’

‘We should raid her’ said Jacqui ‘because it’s time someone placed a carbon footprint right up her heritage listed tush’

And so it came to pass that one dark night in Tasmania the deadly duo burst through the front door of Christine’s tree house and confronted her in front of her solar powered telly.

‘This is an official PUP raid’ announced Jacqui

‘I can see that’ said Christine ‘I know you live just down the road but what the hell’s Clive doing here?’

‘I’ve flown down specially on my intensely carbon emitting executive jet’ said Clive ‘to give you a damned good rousting’

‘Well I hope you’ve cleaned your shoes thoroughly’ said Christine ‘because the last thing I need in here is coal dust’

‘Now look here’ said Clive ‘we’re here to warn you that unless you stop crapping over my climate change credentials I shall be forced to deliver four tonnes of coal into your arboretum’

‘How could you’ shrieked Christine ‘you fallacious overblown fart. When I called you a ‘coalminer’ and a ‘polluter’ I was being polite. You’re actually an environmental enemy of the state’

‘How dare you talk to Clive like that’ said Jacqui ‘he’s a mate of Al Gore’

‘He’s an ally of that carbonated crackpot Abbott’ said Christine ‘Their plan to tackle climate change through Direct Action is like trying to cure an alcoholic by sending him a case of Coca Cola. I shall never be deflected from my sacred mission to save Australia by shutting it down’

‘It’s decision time’ said Clive ‘I have a helicopter hovering nearby. At a signal from me it will drop four tonnes of coal on your arboretum. You have three seconds to promise never to impugn my climate change integrity again’

‘Oh you win’ cried Christine ‘I promise never to say a false word about you ever again. Now take direct action to get the world’s largest and lardiest arse outta here’


About this Series
This daring duo continue to carry out a series of daring raids and hold-ups on their political opponents. Clive is the brains behind this rip-roaring rampage as well as supplying the money and adding weight to its operations. Jacqui adds a certain je ne sais quoi but nobody knows what it is.

View all articles in the Misadventures of Jacqui and Clive Series
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