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Dear Minister Letters

Telling Tony He’s Terminal

Telling Tony He’s Terminal

Friday 12 December, 2014
Read Cec Poole’s thoughtful letter to Tony in which he advises him to return after the Summer break looking unmistakably like Julie Bishop.
The story starts here...

Dear Minister on Friday Mash

Dear Prime Minister,

Never in my twenty-five years of political activism have I witnessed a more mongrel misfit as prime minister.

Mate it beggars belief that a meathead like you could get the gig when there’s Malcolm and Julie on the bench who might even make a fist of it.

Only last week I was at a TAFE teachers’ retreat where the general feeling was that you were treating education like going to the pub. There’s something for all tastes and you can consume as much as you like but you still have to pay off your tab down the track.

I am deadset mortified at the way you’re treating my ABC. It’s my only bulwark against the rising tide of effluent from Rupert who is trying to make me as septic as he is.

You’ve really crapped out over the co-payments calamity. Do you think that people like me actually like going to the doctor? Are you seriously suggesting we should get slugged for having our medical records digitised as well as our rectum?

I had to laugh when you were criticised for not having enough females in your cabinet. Eric Abetz, Joe Hockey, Andrew Robb, Peter Dutton and Kevin Andrews are the biggest load of old women I’ve ever come across.

I’ve got nothing against you personally except for the fact you’re a mate of George Pell, a North Shore silvertail, a union basher, an ABC basher, a Julia basher and are resistant to change especially in regard to the climate.

Listen Tony, and I’m only saying this for your own good, it’s time you packed it in and called full-time on Hockey. Reshuffling the seats in the cabinet isn’t going to help mate because your career is coming to a Titanic end.

Look I know that thanks to Clive you’ve had a bit of luck with repealing the carbon and mining taxes and forcing asylum seekers to fly Qantas, but if you can’t get a budget passed sooner or later even Bill Shorten’s going to notice.

I’d hate to see you go the same way as Dennis Napthine and not get stabbed because that would mean I’ll have to suffer you for almost another two years until the next election.

Yours politically,
Cec Poole BA. Dip. Ed


About this Series
Friday Mash publishes exclusively the letters written by Cec Poole to Ministers because he makes such a nuisance of himself if we don’t. The ministers never reply to Cec because it only encourages him. He has failed thirty-three times to win pre-selection for a seat in the House of Representatives and is on course to become the national record-holder in this field of endeavour.

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