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Terminating Tony

Terminating Tony

Friday 18 September, 2015
Malcolm consults with the world leader in prime ministerial terminations to determine the best way to put Tony out of everyone’s misery.
The story starts here...

 

The Man From AUNTY

(Arrogant United Network of Turnbull Y-Fronts)

 

Malcolm sensed it was time. Tony was floundering and there was a danger that at any minute he’d make Bronnie a Dame.

Having saved himself on countless occasions from the machinations of the Right Malcolm realised he now had to save the country from the machinations of the wrong.

This was a new experience for The Man From AUNTY because he’d spent so long preventing his own ego being damaged he’d forgotten how to damage someone else’s.

He realised Bill Shorten was an ego crying out for evisceration but that would have to wait. Bill was the acknowledged leader in prime ministerial putsches and Malcolm reasoned he would be only too happy to help in the arseholing of Abbott.

“Morning Malcolm” said Bill when he fronted “how can I help in exacerbating your ego today?”

“Look Bill” responded Malcolm “it will come as no surprise to you to learn that Tony’s done his dash. If he stays in the PM’s job any longer he’ll start doing gay marriage jokes with Peter Dutton

“I think there’s a chance” said Bill “that he could even offer to spend a week each year in a gay marriage”

“You’re the undisputed world leader in prime ministerial shafting” said Malcolm “I would welcome your advice on the best way to terminate Tony”

“It needs to be clean and fatal” replied Bill “and it has to have the support of a majority of your party or it will be condemned as undemocratic”

“What would be your weapon of choice?” asked Malcolm

“That doesn’t matter” replied Bill “as long as it’s in the back and there’s no blood because that could evoke sympathy for Tony”

“Should I start practising with a dagger?” asked Malcolm

“Good heavens no” exclaimed Bill “if you intend to become PM yourself you need to get someone else to do the actual deed like I did for Julia and Kevin”

“Who then?” asked Bill

“I’d recommend Julie” replied Bill “because she’s the last person Tony would suspect and can be relied on to observe the highest standards in PM stabbings and so uphold my proud heritage”

‘I appreciate your expertise” said Malcolm

“I regard it as a patriotic duty to help annihilate Abbott” said Bill “You do realise of course that you could be my next victim”

“You should keep in mind” said Malcolm “that The Man From AUNTY isn’t just another case of Bob’s Your Uncle

It is not widely known that Malcolm is The Man From AUNTY dedicated to protecting his reputation against sinister forces in the Coalition Right, the ACTU, the ABC, the Greens and the Labor Party. This alter ego is destined to play an even greater role in protecting Australia’s prime minister from the same fate that befell Kevin, Julia and Tony.

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