Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Terminating Trump

Terminating Trump

Friday 8 April, 2016
Kerryman comes up with an inspired idea to terminate Trump by claiming he used to be a Democrat and was responsible for Obama’s policies.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“You know” said Biden “I’m really worried about Trump”

“So am I” agreed Obama “but I’m reassured that Hillary would beat him in a Presidential campaign”

“I’m not so sure” said Biden “according to the latest polls 56% detest her while amazingly only 60% detest Trump. That’s not much of a difference”

“But people detest Trump more intensely than Hillary” argued Obama

“By the time the FBI have finished with her” said Biden “Hillary’s popularity rating could be on a par with Darth Vader”

“That’s a worry” commented Obama

“And don’t forget” said Biden “many people blame you for the rise of Trump

“What a preposterous premise” exclaimed Obama “how the hell could they possibly think that?”

“Well” replied Biden “and I know this is totally illogical of course but you’re seen as too soft on immigration and terrorism and too hard to fathom on the economy. As a direct result the folks have developed a soft spot for a hard-ass like Trump”

“What are Trump’s policies on foreign affairs?” asked Obama

“He hasn’t got any” replied Biden “because he’s going to concentrate on cleaning up the mess you’re leaving at home”

“Jeez” exclaimed Obama “this is more serious than I thought. I need to get Kerryman’s thoughts on the prospect of the Secretary of State’s position becoming redundant. Has he made it back from Russia yet?”

“Yes” replied Biden “he’s spent the past week as a volunteer model at the National Haircutting Championships”

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he dropped in for a chat ”do you realise that in the event of Trump becoming President foreign affairs would be shut down?”

“Well” replied Kerryman “that would mean I’d have a nice cushy job if he keeps me on as Secretary of State”

“There’s as much chance of Trump keeping you on as Secretary of State” said Obama “as there is of me being appointed to teach him politics. So what the hell can we do to stop Trump?”

“It’s easy” replied Kerryman “he’s become popular by announcing far right policies so we can stuff him by claiming that when he was a Democrat he was responsible for creating your left-wing policies”

“Is that true?” asked Obama

“Well sort of” replied Kerryman “because he’s brought large numbers of Muslims and Mexicans into the country on packaged holidays to stay at his hotels”

“But surely” said Obama “my Presidential legacy depends on me being responsible for my policies”

“On the contrary” responded Kerryman “your Presidential legacy would arguably fare much better if you are not held responsible for your policies”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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