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Terrorists rolling, gov hating: New lawn laws keep parliament safe

Terrorists rolling, gov hating: New lawn laws keep parliament safe

Friday 2 December, 2016
Forget about the ABCC, the biggest issue befalling the corridors of power this week involves a fenced lawn. I pretended to be an investigatory journalist, but sat at home to file this report. Parliament House’s symbolic lawns could be ruled off-limits to toughen security. The ABC has reported that the security measures may include new security […]
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Forget about the ABCC, the biggest issue befalling the corridors of power this week involves a fenced lawn. I pretended to be an investigatory journalist, but sat at home to file this report.

Parliament House’s symbolic lawns could be ruled off-limits to toughen security.

The ABC has reported that the security measures may include new security barriers, fences, gates, fewer pedestrian entries and extra armed police officers on patrol.

Pausing from his hourly recitation of extracts from The Necronomicon, Immigration Minister Peter Dutton reportedly said, “It’s a tough decision for them to make, because instinctively you want people to be able to come freely to Parliament House, watch Question Time, do the tour, roam freely over the gardens, but we have the reality of the modern security environment.”

Liberal Democratic senator David Leyonhjelm yelled an incomprehensible tirade about “the nanny state” into an echo chamber, while One Nation’s Pauline Hanson likened it to Trump’s Mexican border wall, then inside the same five-minute doorstop press conference, complained about it, and then complimented it, then blamed vaccines for gout, then felt tired and had a lie-down.

Reports allege Gold Logie winner and host of TV’s The Project, Waleed Aly has already produced a snappy, yet simplistic and essentially condescending three-minute taped piece for the show, which has already gone viral on social media with countless comments thanking Aly for explaining in easily digestible infographics exactly what a “fence” is.

The “keep off the grass” decision makes perfect sense, as countless large-scale terrorist incidents were immediately foreshadowed by pre-teen girls’ horseplay on a lawn. The government is taking further steps to outlaw chalk, perchance the same security threats might start playing hopscotch on Parliament Drive. The frequently-jogging-on-or-past-the-lawn-Foreign Minister Julie Bishop could not be reached for comment, what with her being decidedly fitter than 99.4% of the Canberra press corps.

The ACT’s chamber of commerce issued a statement criticising the decision, citing the notion that of Canberra’s vast array of “things to do”, rolling down the lawn at Parliament House was easily among the top four. (“Complaining about the roundabouts” and “Making jokes about pornography” remain in the Top 10.)

The Chamber of Commerce’s spokesman, Fake Lastname, informed The Big Smoke that the organisation continues to actively lobby for the establishment of an ACT Philatelic Museum to be established in or around the Civic area to boost the nation’s capital’s tourism figures from “middling” to “how about that?”.

“Stamp collecting is a fun and informative hobby,” he said.

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