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Loud Reports from Tori Banger

The Aussie Option

The Aussie Option

Friday 15 April, 2016
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s seductive UK correspondent, discusses a post-Brexit Aussie option that is galvanising the UK.
The story starts here...


Constitutional experts are increasingly of the opinion that in the event of a Brexit the UK’s best option would be to become a member of the Australian Empire.

The move would offer a number of compelling features.

Firstly it would give the UK government someone else to blame when Brussels is no longer credible. Furthermore, and this is seen as absolutely crucial, it would provide a plentiful supply of cheap plonk once the French, Italian and Spanish varieties are no longer available at EU mates’ rates.

The experts believe that joining the Australian Empire would be seen by us Poms as a logical move-on position given that the England rugby, rugby league and cricket teams were already coached by Aussies. This could even lead to English politicians being coached by Aussies and whilst this has caused disquiet in some quarters let’s face it anything would be an improvement.

The position of the Queen could cause complications constitutionally especially if Australia becomes a republic. Discrete soundings within diplomatic circles however indicate there should be no problem with her retaining her pre-eminent marketing position in the UK tourism industry.

By the way no one is suggesting that membership of the Australian Empire should commit the UK Government to taking a blind bit of notice of the Aussie Government. The empirical view is that it’s purely an adoption of convenience to prevent the UK falling into the wrong hands.

Lords and Twickenham would continue to be the world HQs of cricket and rugby and it would obviously be a strict condition of the UK’s Australian Empire membership that the Ashes Urn remains at Lords.

The Commonwealth shouldn’t present any transitional complications. The HQ would simply switch to Australia although it could be the appropriate time to drop any nation that doesn’t play either cricket or rugby.

Nigel Farage is thought to be strongly in favour of the move. It would afford him opportunity of adopting Australia’s Operation Sovereign Borders immigration policy right round the UK and furthermore after getting rid of the EU it would give his UKIP Party the incentive to maintain the rage by getting rid of Australia.

David Cameron, Jeremy Corbyn and Nicola Sturgeon want to stay in the EU and are thought to be dead against the Australian Empire option. And of course it is the last thing the Aussie Government would want.


About this Series
This legendary UK correspondent has seduced her way into the bedrooms of political power. Her pillow peccadillos have given her a unique perspective on the affairs of state. Politicians find difficulty in concealing even their most private secrets from her because she features in most of them.

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