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Dick Head Interviews

The Cabinet Repair Man

The Cabinet Repair Man

Friday 19 February, 2016
Dick’s exclusive interview with Malcolm covers vital issues like why the cabinet he built only last year is falling apart and where he can find ministers out of the top drawer.
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash

The DickHead Interview with Malcolm Turnbull

“Tell me Malcolm” began Dick “are you about to do the shuffle with Barnaby?”

“I’ll have to” replied Malcolm “because Warren’s just shuffled off and the Coalition is brimming with people who are hot to trot. We’ve got about fifty members who would have beaten Bill Shorten for the leadership if they’d been in the Labor Party”

“How do you plan to prevent more cabinet fallout before the election?” asked Dick

“Well first I plan to shuffle off all the termites and woodworms” replied Malcolm “followed by regular use of a strong pesticide”

“Warren Truss will obviously be a huge loss as Deputy PM” commented Dick

“Of course” responded Malcolm “his great quality was knowing when to shut up which is in direct contrast to Barnaby who doesn’t even know how to shut up”

“Do you see anyone with pronounced PM potential coming up through the Liberal Party ranks” asked Dick “with whom Julie could already be planning her next role as Deputy Leader?”

“There’s only Tony” replied Malcolm “and not even Julie would be Deputy devoted enough to start plotting a comeback with him”

“The nation is looking to you” said Dick “to come up with the policies capable of restoring economic prosperity. Are you confident of delivering them?”

“Well” replied Malcolm “I had a word with Scott only yesterday and he remains absolutely confident that short of Greece going bust, Bernie Sanders wrecking the US economy, Clive causing a financial meltdown in China and NZ failing to come up with a reasonable amount of foreign aid we should be able to afford an acceptable level of debt without increasing the GST”

“When do you expect to announce the cabinet reshuffle?” asked Dick

“I think I’ll leave it for a day or two” replied Malcolm “just to be sure that there wasn’t another minister on the helicopter ride with Bronnie, there isn’t one about to publish Peter Slipper’s diaries, Barnaby isn’t about to lead the Nationals out of the Coalition and to assess whether there’s any chance of us being offered a world record transfer fee for the World’s Best Minister”

“And what will be your absolute focus during 2016?” asked Dick

“Persuading Tony to retire” replied Malcolm


About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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