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Buzz from Fly on the Wall

The Captain’s Flick

The Captain’s Flick

Friday 5 February, 2016
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Malcolm’s office when Julie Bishop and Christopher Pyne dropped in to discuss Tony’s decision to recontest the seat of Warringah at the next election.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

“That proves it” said ChristopherTony’s convinced he can do a Kevin and hound you out of the PM’s gig”

“Let’s not get carried away” said Malcolm “in order for that to happen I’ve got to stuff up as badly as Julia, crash in the polls as disastrously as Bill and behave like Clive on steroids”

“But what the hell are we going to do with him?” queried Julie “Is there any chance of him transferring to the Nationals?”

“What you have to keep in mind” responded Malcolm “is that forty-odd members of the parliamentary party preferred him to me as PM in the August ballot so in the words of Paul Keating we’d be well advised to ‘do him slowly’”

“I suppose you’ll have to give him a seat in cabinet” said Julie “but that will hardly prevent him being as big a pain-in-the-arse to you as you were to him”

“There’s no way I’m going to appoint him to cabinet” said Malcolm “I just don’t trust him as much as he trusted me and besides if I appoint a woman I’ll get far more kudos”

“If only Bronnie and her lovechild would settle down as a loving single parent family in Manly” said Christopher “then we could arrange for the Federal Police to carry out surveillance into whether Eric Abetz and Kevin Andrews are clandestinely plotting a spill with them”

“Couldn’t you give Tony the Small Business Ministry?” asked Julie

“I don’t think he’s the right person for that” replied Malcolm “because it will soon involve taking decisions about Clive”

“But are you sure you couldn’t tolerate Tony in cabinet?” asked Christopher

“The trouble with Tony” replied Malcolm “is that unlike me nobody likes him and he’s a trouble-maker to boot. So if I appointed him to cabinet it would be like putting George Pell in charge of a Catholic Orphanage”

“I’ve got it” exclaimed Julie “you should make Tony the Minister of Immigration. If there’s anyone who can keep terrorists out of the country it’s him”

“On the contrary” said Malcolm “my plan is to appoint a Minister of Immigration who can keep Tony out of the country”


About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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