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Abbott into Abbattman

The Captain’s Shtick

The Captain’s Shtick

Friday 13 March, 2015
Abbattman goes on a mission to persuade the Governor General that Peta should be gonged but Sir Peter decides she’s nothing like a Dame.
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Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just about to email the head of Newspoll to congratulate him on the on the latest poll numbers when the Abbattphone rang.

“Abbattoperations is very worried about the incredible slagging that Peta is receiving” said Johnnie was duty officer at Abbattapad HQ “so we believe it’s time for an initiative to defend her reputation. Your mission therefore is to visit the Governor General Sir Peter Cosgrove and persuade him it’s time to make Peta a Dame for her services in promoting Abbott harmony, humanity and hegemony right across the nation”

In recognising the undeniable merit of this mission Tony clearly comprehended why he shouldn’t take this initiative himself as a captain’s pick. No-one else seemed to agree with his assessment of Peta’s peerless proclivities. The opinion of a celebrated people’s hero like Abbatman might carry infinitely more weight.

Tony decided that no pre-mission and analysis and planning session with Abbattintelligence was required. It was just a case of donning the Abbattgear, getting the Abbattbike out of its hangar, awaiting the completion of mission countdown, driving down to the GG’s Yarralumla pad and convincing Sir Peter with irrefutable logic of Peta’s mind-numbing merit.

Out of respect for the office Abbattman didn’t drive the Abbattbike through the front door of Government House till someone had opened it and he tapped on the GG’s office door with the front wheel before driving through it.

“Abbattman” cried Sir Peter as he entered “how nice to see you. Have you just popped in to get a gong?”

“Not for myself” replied Abbattman modestly “I am here on a mission to recognise the spirit of harmony, humanity and hegemony that Tony Abbott and Peta Bedlinen have brought to this great nation’
“What exactly did you have in mind?” asked Sir Peter

“Making Peta a Dame” replied Abbattman

“I see” said Sir Peter “do you really think that’s wise? Everyone knows you’re close to Tony so they’ll see it as a captain’s pick and another sign that good government hasn’t started yet. It would hardly be seen as the result of a consultative and collegial process because no one else in the Coalition can stand her”

“But she’s terribly misunderstood” said Abbattman “she ensures an environment of harmony, humanity and hegemony is sustained around Canberra by not allowing anyone to get close enough to Tony to excoriate, stab or shirtfront him”

“But she causes such dissension and detestation in government ranks” said Sir Peter

“On the contrary” said Abbattman “she’s united the party with the exception of Tony and herself”
“Sorry Abbattman” said Sir Peter “if I agreed to making Peta a Dame the knighting of Prince Philip would seem by comparison to have the stature of a Nobel Prize”

“Then how about making her Australian of the Year?” asked Abbattman

“That’s a possibility” replied Sir Peter “but she’d have to transfer to a position which enabled her to do something much more useful”


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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