Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

The End Of Politics As We Know It

The End Of Politics As We Know It

Friday 19 February, 2016
Kerryman convinces Obama that the only way to save America from Trump and Bernie is to put them on a joint ticket.
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“The world’s gone mad” said Obama ‘especially in New Hampshire”

“Not to mention North Korea” said Biden

“How can people seriously believe” asked Obama “that Trump or Bernie could step into the shoes of a great President like me?”

“They don’t” replied Biden “that’s why they’re voting for them”

“Look” said Obama “I know Hillary’s got her faults but at least she knows her way round the White House. How the hell can you trust someone like Bernie who is even further to the left than I am?”

“If Bernie becomes President” said Biden “it would be difficult to tell the difference between the Democratic Party and the Chinese Communist Party”

“If Bernie looks like nicking the nomination” said Obama “we should be prepared to do something desperate like supporting the last-minute candidacy of Sean Penn, Oprah or even you”

“Thank goodness you’re no longer considering Kerryman” said Biden

“By the way” said Obama “where is Kerryman?”

“I believe he’s having a weekend away somewhere with his Russian mate Lavrov” replied Biden “chatting about things in Syria”

“Let’s call him in” said Obama “this situation is such a bugger’s muddle I need to talk to an expert in the field”

Actually Kerryman received the call from the White House at his favourite barber’s shop in Georgetown. He couldn’t see his way through the Syrian dilemma and thought a good home-grown haircut might help.

“Look here Kerryman” said Obama when they caught up “Hillary got belted in New Hampshire by Bernie’s far left jab and if he wins the nomination the Democrats can kiss goodbye to all those contributions from Wall St. Between them Bernie and Trump threaten the collapse of the political establishment and we can’t afford that given that the economy is threatening to collapse as well. What the hell’s going on?”

“It’s simple” replied Kerryman “the folks are palpably pissed at the political pickle you and the Bushes and Clintons have perpetrated on the country and they see Bernie and Trump as saviours who can deliver them from further exposure to the same Presidential predicament”

“But how do we prevent Trump and Bernie castrating the country politically?” asked Obama

“By promoting a campaign to put them on a joint ticket” replied Kerryman

“They’d win the White House by a mile but the country would be protected from their piss-poor policies because they’d cancel each other out”

“But the Presidency would be powerless” said Obama

“Of course” said Kerryman “that’s a long overdue reform”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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