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The Gay Marriage Bill

The Gay Marriage Bill

Friday 12 June, 2015
Malcolm is uncertain about where a discussion with Bill about gay marriage could lead to.
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Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

“Look Malcolm” said Bill when he met him down a corridor in Parliament

House “can I count on you to be a co-sponsor of my gay marriage bill?”

“Sorry” replied Malcolm “I can’t do that because it would upset Tony.

Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to co-opt one of your fellow senators?”

“Excuse me” said Bill “I’m the leader of the opposition”

“Sorry Albo” said Malcolm “I didn’t recognise you, it must be the light”

“No I’m Bill” said he

“Of course” said Malcolm “the gay marriage Bill. I thought you were Mark Latham and became confused”

“You’re a keen supporter of gay marriage like me” said Bill “so I was hoping that you would lend cross-party support to my private members bill”

“I certainly remember Tanya Plibersek” said Malcolm “saying that everyone in the Labor Party should be forced to vote for gay marriage even if they were homophobic or a Catholic Archbishop”

“But do you remember what I said?” asked Bill

“It must have slipped my memory” replied Malcolm

“I was absolutely clear” said Bill “that everyone in the party should have a conscience vote even an unconscionable person like Stephen Conroy”

“Look Bill” said Malcolm “you’re going about getting cross-party support in the wrong way. If I didn’t know you so badly I’d swear you are taking this initiative just to try and put one over on Tony”

“You obviously don’t know me very well” said Bill

“Who does?” asked Malcolm

“I took this initiative” said Bill “because I truly believe that Tony and his sister should enjoy marriage equality. I want to go down in history as the man who put an end to prejudice and homophobia in the Abbott family”

“Sadly” said Malcolm “there’s very little chance of you being remembered as anything other than the forgotten man of politics”

“So can I count on you” asked Bill “to demonstrate your support for fully integrating the gay community into Australian society by embracing my proposition?”

“My support for gay marriage” said Malcolm “does not extend to embracing your proposition or anywhere else you care to mention”

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About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

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