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The Pudding Club Pontifications

The Ins and Outs of the EU

The Ins and Outs of the EU

Friday 5 June, 2015
Pudding Club members discuss prospects for the EU referendum and whether anybody in the UK really gives a continental about it.
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The Pudding Club section Friday Mash.com

Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera celebrated the return of the annual UK warming with a smoked salmon salad and a particularly crisp and fruitful Pouilly Fuisse.

“I say” said His Lordship “it looks as though David is pressing ahead with the EU referendum”

“Damned good news” said the General ‘the sooner I can get back to being British again the better. We’ve got to get out of the EU before it becomes a third world country”

“Whilst I have some sympathy with that view” said His Lordship “I shall support Conservative Party policy to stay in provided David wins the necessary decrease in our membership fees”

“I agree” said Sir Rah “the increased prices I’d have to pay for BMWs and vintage clarets as an EU non-member would signal the end of civilisation as I know it”

“Heaven knows” said the General “no one has revelled in the cultural delights of the continent more than myself but I’m fast reaching the ultimate climax and unfortunately EU membership doesn’t offer any tariff benefits on sex”

“But you must see the advantages of being part of one of the world’s great economic powerhouses” said His Lordship

“I fail to see any advantage whatsoever” said the General “in being obliged to bail out plonkers like Greece and Portugal who then piss it down a wall faster than an incontinent binge drinker”

“Well” said Sir Rah “what is your alternative?”

“Look” replied the General “I’m not saying the EU is without merit. It’s certainly worth staying in touch if we can just pick and choose the good bits.

Instead of full membership perhaps we could consider country membership”

“Actually” said his Lordship “we have to fix the refugee mess. We can’t continue to be the Michelin three-star handout haven of choice for every continental on the cadge”

“Couldn’t agree more” said the General “that’s why we’ve got to start encouraging the hordes of refugees who have already arrived to go back the other way by dumping the EU. It would make our economy tank, cheap plonk would get dearer and welfare would get so scarce that all the continental cadge artists would be back off over the channel before you could say ‘the train leaves from platform 5’”

“The trouble is” said Sir Rah “we’ve become so integrated with the EU that it would be very difficult to leave”

“All it would take” said the General ‘is another surge of the old Dunkirk spirit”

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About this Series
Located on the fashionable side of Pall Mall the Club is famous for counting some of the UK’s greatest political intellects among its members. Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera convene there regularly to create the brilliant insights which David relies on so much to keep the ship of state on course.

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