Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

The ‘I’s Have It

The ‘I’s Have It

Friday 17 July, 2015
Obama assesses whether he should enhance his Presidential legacy by fixing the Middle East or unselfishly leave the feral foreign policy mess for the next President in case it’s a Republican.
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“That was an impressive a speech you made” said Biden “about the need to resolve all the problems in the Middle East not to mention finally identifying exactly where it is located”

“It’s obviously up to me to take action” said Obama “because it would be all too much for Hillary and the other nineteen no-hopers laughingly referring to themselves as the next President”

“What’s the plan?” asked Biden

“I haven’t come to a final decision yet” said Obama “that but you can take it that ISIS, ISIL, IS, Daesh and the Death Cult will all get severely droned”

“Has our bombing been effective?” asked Biden

“I think it’s been effective against IS” said Obama “but not against ISIS and ISIL.

The main problem is that the Iraqi army is about as reliable as the Red Sox starting pitcher rotation”

“I think we should call Kerryman to get his latest input on the situation” said Biden “I gather he can tell the Middle East from the Mid-West”

“Don’t count on it” said Obama “and make sure the hairy horse’s arse has a haircut before he comes here”

When he received the call from the White House Kerryman was in the Middle East of Washington trying to decide whether it would be more cost-effective for him to use a sheep shearer in future instead of a barber.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he fronted “I am on a roll at the moment because the new carpet’s getting laid tomorrow. I plan to maintain this momentum through a major initiative to terminate IS in the Middle East

“What about ISIS and ISIL?” asked Kerryman

“They’re next” replied Obama

“Ok” said Kerryman “here’s what I would do, invade Iraq immediately with three divisions and Syria with four. It would only take a month to clean up the whole lot”

“I couldn’t do that” said Obama “invading Iraq and Syria is far too politically sensitive and besides the Nobel crowd could ask for their Peace Prize back”

“The fact is” said Kerryman “you haven’t got a Trump’s chance in California of even defeating IS, let alone ISIS, ISIL, Daesh and the death cult if you don’t send in ground forces”

“Do you think there’s a chance I could persuade the EU to invade instead?” asked Obama

“None whatsoever” replied Kerryman “it looks like they’re about to invade Greece to get all their money back”

“I thought they were just going to repossess the furniture” said Obama

“Tell you what” exclaimed Kerryman “we could destroy morale among the terrorists by spreading the word that their great beyond has run out of virgins”

“Are you sure you want to take all this Middle East business seriously?” asked Biden “You might be able to take out ISIL pretty quickly but it would take a long time to clean up the rest”

“Perhaps you’re right” said Obama “I might end up being as forgettable as Jimmy Carter


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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