Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

The Muddle East

The Muddle East

Thursday 23 July, 2009
It is quite extraordinary that so many people are bemused by goings-on in the Middle East. It’s all quite simple really
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It is quite extraordinary that so many people are bemused by goings-on in the Middle East. It’s all quite simple really.

There are many theories as to how the US became so heavily involved in the Middle East. One US president thought it was a district of New York but the real breakthrough came when a US petrol retailer realised the virtues of a totally integrated supply chain.

The invasion of Afghanistan has been brilliantly successful at driving the Taliban out of the country. Unfortunately it has driven them into Pakistan, which is now in imminent danger of being renamed Talibanistan, and has caused the Indian Premier League to be transferred to South Africa.

The invasion of Iraq has been brilliantly successful at extinguishing that country’s threat to Iran. The Iranians are showing their gratitude by threatening to leave a huge carbon footprint all over Israel.

In decisive retaliatory measures the UN is expected to ban the export of Persian carpets and Barack Obama is planning to talk to the mullahs. He has been rehearsing with the Reverend Wright.

The key US allies in the region, Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan appear to be the main sources of anti-US terrorists. Germany and France, resolute US allies in Europe, provide the US with about as much support in the Middle East as Iran. Spain, another key ally, has been threatening to prosecute the US for anti-terrorist activities.

The Taliban would probably have been crushed by Russia if it hadn’t been for the support they received from the US and Pakistan. Now the US wants Russia and Pakistan to help them crush the Taliban and stand by for the Taliban wanting Russia and Pakistan to help them crush the US.

Likely next developments are the extreme left in the US trying to prosecute George W for denying Saddam Hussein his civil rights and Pakistan inviting the US to invade them and drive the Taliban back to Afghanistan.

It’s such a shame that the US are so misunderstood. Someone should take them aside and advise them to leave Middle East wars to the Israelis. They do them so much better. And furthermore the US should immediately withdraw their special envoys George Mitchell and Richard Holbrooke from the Middle East, ban Hillary from going there and leave the diplomacy to Tony Blair. Americans are such warm and wonderful human beings in their own backyard but unfortunately they don’t travel well.

In summary the US has had a win in Iraq, a draw in Afghanistan but has lost out over Palestine, eliminating Osama Bin Laden, the Taliban, Al Qa’ida, Hamas and Hezbollah and bringing the Indian Premier League to Yankee Stadium.

In the final analysis the Middle East is all the UK’s fault. They fiddled around in the Khyber Pass, made a total hash of redrawing national boundaries and failed to recognise that Lawrence of Arabia was like Barack Obama on horseback.

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