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Buzz from Fly on the Wall

The Only Poll That Counts

The Only Poll That Counts

Friday 6 November, 2015
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall outside Flinders St Station when Fred Nerks was questioned on his political views by a pollster. Here is Guy’s exclusive account of their discussion.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

“Excuse me sir” said the pollster “I’m from Pollaxed Research and we’re doing a survey on current attitudes to politicians. Would you mind answering a few questions?”

“I’m the man with all the answers” replied Fred

“How do you rate Malcolm as prime minister?” asked the pollster

“I’ll give him till Christmas” replied Fred “because I’m in a festive mood but then I’ll start shit-canning him like all the rest of them. These days you’re lucky if you get three good months out of a prime minister. Kevin 07 lasted only two.

Tony stopped the boats and canned the carbon tax but then he passed his use-by date”

“How would you rate Bill Shorten’s performance as opposition leader?” asked the pollster

“Who?” asked Fred

“You know” said the pollster “the guy who threatened to dump the China FTA and wished he was as rich as Malcolm”

“Oh him” exclaimed Fred “there’s another wanton waste of frontbench space. I wrote to the Labor Party last week to warn them if they kept swallowing a leader like that there’s no telling what sort of policies they could throw up”

“Are you generally satisfied with the performance of politicians in Canberra?” asked the pollster

“If I had my way” said Fred “I’d fire the lot of them and bring in a new lot from overseas on 457 visas”

“Would you welcome the chance to vote for a non-politician as prime minister” asked the pollster “someone like Donald Trump for example?”

“Well I thought that Clive might be a chance” replied Fred “but I get these hallucinations after I’ve been drinking”

“Which politician in the modern era” asked the pollster “do you admire most?”

“Oh undoubtedly the First Bloke” replied Fred “You’ve got to admire someone who scored three years free board and lodging at The Lodge, luxury junkets overseas hob-nobbing with the most powerful people in the world and free tickets to all the top sporting events purely on the quality of his blow-dries. It’s taken all the other blokes who’ve lived at The Lodge years of political power-broking and back-stabbing to get there”

“If there was one change you could make in Canberra” asked the pollster “what would it be?”

“I’d bring back Bronnie as Speaker” replied Fred “and I’d give her the power to chuck members out of parliament permanently”

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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