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The Prime Minister’s Christmas Message To The Nation

The Prime Minister’s Christmas Message To The Nation

Friday 18 December, 2015
There has never been a better time to live in Australia because I’ve never been Prime Minister before.
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My fellow Australians,

There has never been a better time to live in Australia because I’ve never been Prime Minister before.

For far too long this country has been living under the threat of terrorism, climate change, the CFMEU and Clive with only the wholly inadequate prime ministerial posturing of Kevin, Julia and Tony for protection.

Already I have begun to deliver on the promise of salvation by sending Joe to New York and Bill down to fourteen percent.

The main challenges which lie ahead are finalising the deal for Tony to become Trump’s campaign manager and making Peta Credlin the President of the ACTU.

You can be assured that 2016 will be a year of innovation, shortening Bill’s

career as head of the Labor Party and securing a mandate to govern for all Australians even those lost souls who have joined the Jacqui Lambie Network because they mistook it for the National Broadband Network.

The dimension of the problems I face would totally confound a lesser man like Hillary Clinton. Just imagine the incredible repercussions I’d face if one of the Royal Commissions found that George Pell had secretly been a member of the AWU and had forgiven Bill Shorten and Julia for their sins.

Domestic politics still rather resembles David Jones during a Boxing Day Sale.

There’s even the alarming possibility that Mark Latham and Ian Macfarlane could one day become independent Senators and hold the balance of power.

However Australians can rest assured that under my leadership there will be the sort of new wave in prime ministerial politics which the First Bloke failed so spectacularly to create for Julia.

Lucy and I wish you wish you a festive season free from the cares and worries of everyday life like the mind numbing possibility of Tony ever making a comeback and how the hell is it possible to reduce your carbon emissions by 26-28% by 2030 without resorting to thermal underwear.

Merry Christmas

Malcolm PM

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