Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

The Promising President

The Promising President

Thursday 24 November, 2016
Fiday Mash’s distinguished team of global correspondents address arguably the most pressing whogivesashit issue of today ‘Will the Trump Presidency be of benefit to anyone?’
The story starts here...

Dick Head Canberra correspondent – The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees believes that Trump has the potential to become the greatest humanitarian President in history by donating his hotel chain to accommodate Hispanic and Muslim refugees. This ultimate philanthropic gesture would almost certainly merit the Nobel Peace Prize and would undoubtedly surprise Bernie Sanders. And of course criticism of his decision to kick out illegals could be tempered by the purchase of sufficient Mexican hotel chains to accommodate them all down there.

Hugo Morthanigo EU correspondent – I have been racking my brains to identify anyone or anything that could possibly benefit from a Trump Presidency and I have finally come up with a small town in Slovenia called Sevnica, the birthplace of Melania Trump. Already it has experienced a 25% rise in tourism and it has named a desert after Melania although thankfully it has decided against adopting Trump as a main course. Other Sevnica initiatives in the planning process are a First Lady Burgers and Fries franchise, a Miss Melania beauty Pageant and a CD entitled ‘Melania performs Michelle’s greatest speeches’.

Tori Banger UK correspondent – Without question the main beneficiaries of a Trump Presidency will be wall builders. I have no doubt he will form an alliance with Putin to build a wall not just along the Southern Border but also right round the Middle East to prevent anybody getting out. I further believe he’ll extend Wall St to prevent the US economy leaving for China.

A Hole social commentator – I have no question that the main achievement of the Trump Presidency will be to restore confidence in politicians. After a year or two of him in the White House people will begin to realise how blessed they were under the old political establishment and there will be heart-wrenching outbursts of nostalgia for Bill Clinton and yes even George W Bush as Trump’s forgotten people try to kid themselves that somebody still remembers them.

PE Doff US correspondent – Hillary will be the main beneficiary of the Trump Presidency. In a very short time after he’s been sworn in she’ll be able to start saying ‘I told you so’ and her standing as a political martyr will soon be up there with Eva Peron leading to Broadway shows and films about her and perhaps even an opera. Of course there’s always the possibility that she could spoil everything by winning the Presidency at the third attempt and proving Trump to be right about her after all.

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