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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

The Reshuffle and other Kerfuffles

The Reshuffle and other Kerfuffles

Friday 16 January, 2015
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia.
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Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

I hate cabinet reshuffles. They always result in those who have been reshuffled plotting to reshuffle the reshuffler.

David Johnston is a lovely fellow but he made an error of judgement in claiming the ASC couldn’t be trusted to build a canoe. He should have claimed they couldn’t be trusted to build a rubber ducky for his grandkids’ bath.

But of course the real point is that Minister of Defence is a job I wouldn’t even wish on Peter Slipper. The armed forces treat the incumbent with only slightly less hostility than ISIL. Fortunately in Kevin Andrews I have someone who doesn’t realise he can be attacked by Defence and won’t react anally when his arse is on fire.

I find all this rabbiting on about the number of women I have in cabinet to be terribly tiresome. People have to understand that the presence of women in cabinet creates complexities like co-ordinating cabinet meetings with hair appointments, dealing with sensitivities about dirty jokes and coping with a reluctance on Peta’s part to share the ministerial powder-room.

I have just received a very curt note of thanks from Putin for the Christmas present I sent him. It was a shirt without any collar, sleeves or back.

My trip to rally the troops in Iraq was a huge success and I didn’t get a single complaint about the one and a half percent pay increase. The President of Iraq urged me to send over more strike forces and I’m not ruling out the CFMEU.

I must admit to being in two minds about Joe. He’s such a lovely fellow but he can be such a dufus when it comes to budgeting. I told him that when you’re trying to impose unfair taxes and cuts on people it’s a mistake to claim you’re doing it for their own good. No-one’s going to give a rat’s arse about your budget if it results in their own budget looking like it’s been handed down by the Treasurer of Greece in consultation with Wayne Swan.

I am hard at work preparing to re-emerge in parliament in February as a sensitive new-age prime minister beloved by all women. What’s more I’m planning to make Margie Minister for Child Care Centres if only I can persuade Peta she should share the ministerial powder-room with yet another woman.

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About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

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