Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

The Terror from Tasmania

The Terror from Tasmania

Friday 3 July, 2015
Jacqui and her Think Tank prepare to unleash a reign of terror on Q&A.
The story starts here...

Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof Penny Wise fronted at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston for another serving of Glad’s luscious lamingtons and an intense policy development session with Jacqui.

“The Jacqui Lambie Network” said Jacqui “will soon have to vote on Abbott’s anti-terror laws so I’m going to need a policy”

“In other words” said Penny “what should we do about returning terrorists?”

“I’ll tell you what I’d do” said Nazel “I’d greet them at the airport with a barrage of rocket-propelled grenades”

“That’s a bit harsh isn’t it?” asked Randy

“Not at all” replied Nazel “if our brave lads missed them with bombs in Iraqi or Syria it’s only logical we should finish them off when they get here”

“Whilst I have a certain sympathy with that view” said Jacqui “I’ll have to present a more nuanced approach in the Senate”

“You mean something more discreet like lethal injections?” suggested Nazel

“Yes that’s the sort of idea” replied Jacqui “Arsehole Abbott is proposing to strip them of their citizenship and send them packing except of course if they’re dinky-di Aussies and then we’re lumped with them”

“They could become Collingwood supporters” suggested Randy “or the studio audience at Q&A”

“I expect they’d be incarcerated” said Jacqui “and be subject to inhuman torture like being forced to listen to Peter Dutton’s speeches 24/7”

“How hideous” exclaimed Nazel ‘that’s even more excruciating than water-boarding”

“What are the opposition policies?” asked Randy

“I think the Greens” replied Jacqui “are proposing that returning terrorists should be sent to a luxury R&R centre in the Whitsundays and then found positions in a research facility seeking ways to extract renewable energy from terrorist attacks”

“Has the Labor Party got a policy?” asked Randy

“No” replied Jacqui “Bill Shorten’s relying on the unions to produce one for him at next month’s party conference”

“My policy recommendation” said Nazel “is that Operation Sovereign Borders should be extended to airports to turn back all terrorists except Mitchell Johnson after he’s terrorised the English batsmen”

“What about the terrorists who are already here?” asked Jacqui

“You mean like Green activists?” asked Randy

“Absolutely” replied Jacqui

“They should be sent for a cooling-off period on a rapidly melting iceberg in the Antarctic” said Randy “so they can carry out an up-close study of rising sea levels”

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About this Series
Friday Mash has gained exclusive access to the intellectual powerhouse behind the Lambie political phenomenon. Jacqui has assembled a Think Tank comprising the best minds in Tasmania. Nazel Hare is Jacqui’s campaign manager and President of the Lambie for PM Movement, Randy Mayle is the leader of the Tasmanics a star-studded group of star studs and Professor Penny Wise is the Head of Business Studies at Burnie University. The Think Tank meets regularly at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston and Friday Mash will bring you regular reports of their intellectual discourse.

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