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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

The Trouble with Malcolm

The Trouble with Malcolm

Friday 17 July, 2015
In this latest series of sensational leaks from his Journal Tony reflects on the proposition that arguably the greatest contribution Malcolm has made to the Coalition is that he joined them rather than the Labor Party.
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Leaks from Tonys Journal

Malcolm is deeply committed to action on climate change, gay marriage and not being too beastly to terrorists which isn’t surprising because most of his mates work at that ABC. When he visits my office I have to be careful to hide any recent correspondence I’ve had from Lord Monkton.

He shrewdly perceived that his path to the Lodge however would have to be through the Coalition because obviously there was buckleys of him ever being able to work in harmony with lefty Labor loons like Penny Wong, Tanya Plibersek and Wayne.

Can you imagine him trying to reach accord on economic policies with Wayne?

It would be like Alan Greenspan meets Yanis Varoufakis.

Opting for the Coalition side of politics has presented Malcolm with many advantages.

Working with a politician of my calibre is of course a considerable bonus and furthermore if he’d joined the other mob his neighbours in the Eastern Suburbs would have ostracised him.

Of course I wouldn’t want to give the impression that Malcolm doesn’t cause waves in the cabinet room from time to time but these are readily smoothed over when I threaten to release my confidential file on Utegate and Godwin Grech.

I was palpably pissed when he made that speech about not being terrible to terrorists because it came right after his hissy fit when I banned him from chatting to his mate Jones on Q&A.

Many people can’t understand why I appointed Joe as Treasurer rather than Malcolm. Well the danger was that Malcolm would have been such a success in the job there would have been an overwhelming demand for him to replace me. Lumping him with that brain-dead NBN balls-up created by Kevin and Stephen Conroy was a way of containing his prime ministerial pretentions because not even Einstein could have connected with that.

Whilst things looked a bit dicey in February I believe I’ve achieved my aim of preventing the Coalition ever again being led by a lefty like Malcolm.

I hardly dare to think what might happen if heaven forbid he replaced me as PM. Within a few weeks there would be gay terrorists marrying in St Mary’s Cathedral.

It is truly a privilege however governing with Malcolm in the broad church that is the Coalition government and we constantly give thanks that he was saved not only from the Labor Party but also from an inevitable stabbing by Bill Shorten.


About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

View all articles in the Leaks from Tony’s Journal Series
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