Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

The Untouchable

The Untouchable

Friday 15 July, 2016
Abbott concludes that vengeance is a dish not appropriate for serving to someone who has just won an election.
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Abbott the Avenger on FridayMash

In the wake of the election victory Abbott summoned senior operatives from the Topple Turnbull Team to a strategy meeting at his secret bunker deep within the bowels of North Head at Manly.

“Malcolm made an absolute pig’s ear of the election” opined Cory “you’d have won by at least fifty seats”

“He’s split the party right down the middle” asserted Eric “he’s on the nose with the electorate and he’s got about as much chance of leading the country back to surplus as the Greens with a no-limit credit card”

“Hang on a minute” said Tony “at least he won the election”

“But that’s just not good enough” explained Cory “when all you’re up against is a toe-rag as terminal as Shorten nothing less than a demonstrative disembowelling is acceptable”

“I still think” insisted Tony “that it’s too soon after the election to wreak my vengeance upon Malcolm. I think we should wait until after my dramatic Resurrection Revelation planned for next Easter”

“But how on earth are we going to put up with Malcolm as PM until then?” asked Eric “By that time we could all have been brainwashed into becoming regulars on Q&A”

“I think we should start a teaser campaign” said Abbott

“How do you mean?” asked Cory

“I envisage a few posters” replied Tony “carrying subtle messaging like ‘Who will save Australia from tossers like Shorten and Turnbull?’ and ‘Who is the laxative that can keep the Senate regular when it comes to passing Coalition legislation?’”

“That will get things moving” observed Cory

“People will think it’s either Derryn Hinch or Pauline Hanson” remarked Eric

“Then we switch” said Tony “to stuff like ‘The Saviour is at hand’ and ‘Your prayers will soon be answered’”

“Great idea” said Cory “we can simply borrow the material from Fred Nile’s last election campaign”

“By that time” said Abbott “the electorate will be so jack of Malcolm’s messes that when I emerge to stab him I’ll achieve such legendary hero status that my preferred prime minister polling will be up around the same level as Derryl Hinch”

“Just one question” said Cory “are you planning an image makeover for your comeback?”

“I was thinking” replied Abbott ‘that I might respond to the current trend in political leaders towards anti-politicians and women by becoming more of a cross between Donald Trump and Pauline Hanson”


About this Series
Abbott is on the outer studying the Gospel according to Kevin on how to wreak vengeance upon a Prime Minister who has spilt you to the backbench. He lurks in the shadows with his disciples desperately trying to figure out how to seize back The Lodge despite the having a preferred Prime Minister ranking slightly below that of a CFMEU activist.

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