Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

The Very Odd Couple

The Very Odd Couple

Friday 5 February, 2016
The Think Tank considers whether Tony would be willing to transfer to the Jacqui Lambie Network on an outright guarantee of being elected Deputy Leader of the party.
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Jacqui Lambie Think Tank masthead

Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof. Penny Wise were summoned by Jacqui last week to a Think Tank meeting at Glad’s Tea Rooms on a promise of lashings of Glad’s luscious Australia Day lamingtons.

“I see Bob Brown’s been arrested” said Nazel

“Don’t tell me” said Randy “he’s been falsifying long-term weather forecasts”

“I believe what happened” said Penny “is that he tried to break up a carpentry class because he considered they were desecrating dead trees”

“Now listen” said Jacqui calling the meeting to order “I’ve convened this Think Tank session to consider an initiative that could transform the whole future of the Jacqui Lambie Network. I’m thinking about making a proposal to Tony Abbott that he should transfer to my party”

“You what!” exclaimed Randy “do you fancy him or something?”

“It would be a tactical move” explained Jacqui “to increase JLN parliamentary representation by one hundred percent and secure another world-class politician for the party”

“But Abbott’s a total arsehole” commented Nazel “Given half a chance he’d introduce another Operation Sovereign Borders between here and the mainland to prevent any more Tasmanian Greens reaching Canberra”

“Look” said Jacqui “he meets the impeccable standards I’ve set for new MPs in the JLN. He’s an ex-PM, ex-minister and apart from the fact he’s a total arsehole has most of the necessary qualifications to become my Deputy”

“But there’s just one point” said Nazel “why the hell would someone like Tony want to become your Deputy?”

“Because he’s got buckleys of a cabinet position in the current government” replied Jacqui “Malcolm knows that if he welcomed Tony back to the cabinet table Eric Abetz and Kevin Andrews would immediately become terribly toey and open a faceless men training school specialising in courses on prime ministerial purging”

“What you have to be cautious about” counselled Penny “is that Tony’s views on the monarchy, climate change and gay marriage could prostitute your traditional JLN policies”

“You can be assured” said Jacqui “that no-one will ever have to pay for getting into bed with my policies. If Tony stepped out of line I’d simply kick him in the budgie smugglers”

“That’s the one good thing about him” said Nazel “he’s certainly got a good package between his legs”

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About this Series
Friday Mash has gained exclusive access to the intellectual powerhouse behind the Lambie political phenomenon. Jacqui has assembled a Think Tank comprising the best minds in Tasmania. Nazel Hare is Jacqui’s campaign manager and President of the Lambie for PM Movement, Randy Mayle is the leader of the Tasmanics a star-studded group of star studs and Professor Penny Wise is the Head of Business Studies at Burnie University. The Think Tank meets regularly at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston and Friday Mash will bring you regular reports of their intellectual discourse.

View all articles in the The Lambie Think Tank Series
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