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Dick Head Interviews

There’s no Turning Back for Bill Shorten

There’s no Turning Back for Bill Shorten

Friday 21 November, 2014
In this compelling exchange with Australia’s leading political interviewer Bill explains that turning back the boats hasn’t worked because it’s only been successful in stopping asylum seekers.
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash


The Dick Head Interview with Bill Shorten

‘Now Bill’ said Dick ‘I was particularly interested in your view that Abbott’s ‘turn back the boats’ policy hasn’t worked when it seems so bleedin’ obvious that it has’

‘First of all’ said Bill ‘you can’t ignore the fact that Kevin, Tanya Plibersek, the ABC, the UNHCR, the Indonesian Government and myself all told Abbott that the policy wouldn’t work and it’s inconceivable that a distinguished group like that could all be wrong’

‘But surely it was a mistake for everyone else to agree with Kevin’ said Dick ‘when he’s almost invariably wrong’

‘On the other hand’ said Bill ‘I usually find that disagreeing with Abbott helps me inflate my sense of self-righteousness and I can’t believe that the people smugglers have simply packed it in and gone fishing’

‘Have you any evidence’ asked Dick ‘that they’re up to something?’

‘There’s a strong probability’ said Bill ‘that Abbott’s enthusiasm for buying subs from the Japs is in response to intelligence that the people smugglers are already in negotiations with them’

‘What asylum seeker policies’ asked Dick ‘will you be taking to the next election?’

‘Our current policy’ replied Bill ‘is still the compelling vision taken by Kevin to the last election because it can’t possibly be as big a disaster the second time around’

‘In view of its continuing success’ said Dick ‘won’t you be giving any consideration to adopting ‘turn back the boats’?’

‘The policy’s a sham’ replied Bill ‘the navy don’t actually turn the boats round because they send the asylum seekers back to Indonesia in lifeboats. Thanks to Abbott there’s hardly a lifeboat left in Australia when people like Julia are so desperately in need of one’

‘Don’t you think’ said Dick ‘that your obfuscation about Abbott’s policy and your refusal to reject the plonker policy pedalled by Kevin will cruel your chances at the next election?’

‘I can reveal’ said Bill ‘that I have our policy under constant review and will be giving serious consideration to ‘diverting the boats’ or ‘redirecting the boats’’

‘Where to?’ asked Dick

‘Well currently’ said Bill ‘I’m in discussions with East Timor, Malaysia and Tasmania’

‘But Tasmania is Australia’ said Dick

‘I am discussing with Christine Milne’ said Bill ‘the possibility of following the precedent set in Kabul and Baghdad and declaring it a neutral Green Zone’

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About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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