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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

Thrills and Spills

Thrills and Spills

Friday 24 April, 2015
In this latest compelling series of leaks from his Journal Tony once again illustrates how far his thinking is out of step with everyone else by contemplating a long-term future as prime minister.
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Leaks from Tonys Journal

I am constantly being asked whether I’m going to survive through a full first term as PM. You have to wonder what planets these people are living on especially when most of them are members of the Coalition parliamentary party.

Of course there are uncertainties to consider like will Joe be able to cobble together a second budget which doesn’t result in both our arses being booted to the back-bench.
The question however which should give everyone considerable pause for thought is who would replace me?

Malcolm has many fine qualities most of which prejudice his performance as a politician. However there has to be lingering leadership doubts about a toff from the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney who is such a leftie. It’s people like him who vote for the Greens in inner-city seats. I even have visions of him in secret trysts with Sarah Hanson Young on Manus Island.

Cabinet solidarity of course requires that I keep my Malcolm misgivings to myself especially my determination to keep him out of the Lodge and The Treasury. It is unthinkable however that the Party should be ever again contemplate returning to a dipstick type of leadership that almost took us into an ETS coalition with Kevin. That would have been the equivalent of me and the First Bloke sending Julia a joint Valentine Card.

I am a bit worried about Julie. Now that Hillary’s thrown her hat into the US Presidential ring it might cause her to start thinking about how she’d furnish the Lodge. Furthermore it is very concerning that she was exposed for so long to Julia’s prime ministership and I’m absolutely determined that Australia shall never have another prime minister who refers to me as a misogynist.

Scott Morrison could be a threat one of these days but not until I give him a job where unlike being Minister for Immigration or Social Services he gets an opportunity to look like something other than a heartless bastard.

Joe’s chances of becoming PM are absolutely stuffed and in all modesty I can’t take any credit for that. I can only hope that his second budget is much less of a bugger’s muddle than his first and then I can quietly move him to a non-political role like Minister for the Environment.

I have to be absolutely frank and admit that the other factor guaranteeing my longevity as PM is the obvious fact that Bill Shorten is at least two white papers short of a policy.

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About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

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