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Tales from Tony’s Minder

Toning Down the Terror Threat from Tony

Toning Down the Terror Threat from Tony

Friday 17 October, 2014
Read Peta’s fascinating account of the steps she took to ensure Tony’s response to the terrorists was proportionate.
The story starts here...

Tony's Minder - Friday Mash's coverage of Tony Abbott & Peta Credlin

‘I think it’s time I unleashed the beast within you’ I told Tony

‘Oh great’ he said ‘does that mean I’m cleared to bite Clive in the backside?’

‘No’ I responded ‘that would be biting off more than you could chew. What I had in mind was showing a bit more of your naked aggression. In normal circumstances that would be inviting political disaster but now we’re in the War on Terror it’s appropriate to reveal more of your talent for inflicting grievous bodily harm’

‘I can’t wait’ said Tony ‘I’ve had to keep my natural impulses in check for so long. Ever since Julia was chucked out I’ve had to exercise rigid control over my misogynistic tendencies in the face of extreme provocation from Sarah Hanson Young and Jacqui Lambie’

‘Tony’ I said sensitively ‘what you have to understand is that those two are deeply in love with you but because they are members of the opposition they express their intense emotions about you in the only way they can’

‘Based on all the abuse I get from women’ said Tony ‘there must be thousands who are just as besotted with me as they are. You know Malcolm really shits me off sometimes, how about if I kick him in the cobblers during Question Time? I’m sure Bronnie wouldn’t mind if I warned her beforehand’

‘Don’t even think about it’ I said menacingly ‘If you ever did anything as brain-dead as that I’d kick your cobblers so hard I’d get two points for a conversion at Allianz Stadium’

‘Look’ said Tony ‘if we’re going to exploit my natural talents we’ll have to take a risk or two. How about I embark on a king-hit campaign? With just one punch I could shut Bill Shorten up for weeks’

‘Interesting idea’ I said ‘but a more aggressive stance on terrorism will be better for your approval rating’

‘Ok’ said Tony ‘I’ll order the arrest of all terrorist sympathisers like Christine Milne and post videos on the internet of them being treated most hideously to scare ISIL’

‘That’s more like it’ I said ‘but the trouble is a video of Christine being mistreated would be a huge hit on the internet even among terrorists. What I had in mind rather was you exhorting our armed forces to savagely and mercilessly annihilate the bad guys with every dirty diabolical depravity they can muster’

‘Too easy’ said Tony ‘that’s how I used to operate as a rugby coach’

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About this Series
In her role as Tony’s Minder Peta does an incredibly good job of keeping him looking prime ministerial and preventing him reverting to his natural larrikin self. Her continuing success in the position has led to job offers in lion-taming and doing something similar for Clive.

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